The not breast cancer post!

On top of everything else exciting and all the possible BIG changes in our life (as if we don't have enough for one family going on) about 4 weeks ago I found a lump in my breast.  I had my yearly physical already scheduled and coming up on February the 1st, and since I had just turned 40 in December, I knew I would be getting a mammogram, (oh the joy!) so I didn't panic or call to move my appointment ahead. 

The peace I had was a bit strange to say the least.  I really feel like God has been doing some amazing work in me lately.  It was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but strange.  Otherworldly.  Not Melissa~Not at all!

I have had health scares, some pretty significant ones over the years, you see with a connective tissue autoimmune disease (CTD) your body is almost constantly confused and fighting with itself..causing a vast array of symptoms that can come and go or stay for months and then disappear depending on your immune system and what it chooses to attack.  It's responsible for fighting off disease but it can be confused and often mistake normal, healthy cells for intruders. As a result, healthy tissue in your body is damaged, causing signs and symptoms of other diseases. In connective tissue diseases, your immune system mistakenly attacks healthy connective tissue and at times this can present itself as neurological symptoms, arthritic symptoms, muscular symptoms...etc.  Let's just say I have gotten to the point I try to at least wait AT LEAST 3 months before I get anything checked out because 98% of the time my diagnosis is:  It's your autoimmune disorder. (which is very frustrating at times, because it's not curable, but better than the alternative diagnoses most of the time)

Well, when all of the above things have gone on, I have always been worried, anxious, scared and I always fear it being more than the CTD.  There is no peace, there is no calm.  There is my mind playing one million times over how bad it could really be.  There are long car rides to specialist filled with, "I want to see my kids grow up.  I want to see them ok and happily married before I leave them for heaven"...what if this is really a brain tumor (that was a fun one with many many tests!!!). 

Well, when I felt the lump in my breast, I thought, "Hmmm. That hasn't been there and it's kinda sore : / OH well, I have an appointment in February".  That was it. No fear, No worry. Nothing.  But I also didn't attribute it to the CTD.  I tried on all of my bras seeing if one was rubbing there, but that's the most thought I put into it.

I went to my appointment on Feb 1. My doctor ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound of the sore area.  I went last Thursday.  Still hadn't thought a thing about it other than giving it to God. "God-I trust you, this is Yours and you are in that fire with me. Whatever happens I have You" 

Peace surpassing all understanding is nice. 

I have to insert here, I told no one in my family, only one friend (and sister-in-Christ) from work to explain away the many Doctor appointments for me.  I especially did not mention any of this to Joseph (not with the job in WA still a possibility).  If my results today had been different, I don't know if I would have stuck with this reasoning, but in my mind....I had a plan and it was...until we hear from WA, Joey knows nothing about this.  I didn't want the possibility of anything going on with me, affecting any decision he may make.  I know that sounds crazy (maybe) but I figured if I just give everything to God, (like I have been---and really giving it to HIM....that no matter what happened it would all be ok and work itself out how it's suppose to). 


But the real point of this blog today isn't all that, and how I kept a secret I may shouldn't have from my husband (still not sure about that one)...it's this.

THERE ARE BIG THINGS GOING ON IN MY WORLD.


BIGGER THAN EVER BEFORE AND ALL AT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE!


FOSTER PARENTING.  POSSIBLY MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.  BREAST LUMPS.


BIG THINGS!

but hey psssst......i am...

happier. calmer.  more at peace.  and more ok with everything, than I have ever been.
I am more in Love with God than I have ever been.
I am more in AWE of JESUS and the truth of His promised sweet PEACE than I have ever been.

And I'm not blogging this screaming, "look at me I have it all together this is what God's peace should look like"...... because I can assure you....  Not one second of a blinking cursor of this peace is Melissa.  Melissa is chaotic and stressed and FREAKING OUT, that's who Melissa is..... 

OR WAS....   I see clearly now that He's changing that. ; )

Last night I got home and there was a message on the answering machine to call Julie from the Breast Clinic I went to last Thursday for the mammogram and ultrasound.  I called at 5:45 and really wasn't expecting an answer.  She answered.  She told me that there was an area of the mammogram the radiologist was concerned about and they needed me to come in for more testing.   I was amazed at my own voice, and noted in my head it really didn't even sound like me as I responded ever oh so calmly, "Ok, when?"  She said, "Can you be here tomorrow morning at 9am?" {For one millisecond my mind said, "Wow, why do they want to see me sooo soon???" and then my spirit said, "So you don't have to worry for 2 weeks while waiting for the next appointment".}  So I said, "Sure!" : )  (just like that with a smiley and exclamation mark! for realz!!!!)

Last night sitting on the couch while Joey and Payton were playing a video game in another room, I was flipping through my Bible waiting to see what the Lord was going to let jump out at me. And I just looked up then closed my eyes and said, "You know what God, I have been saying over and over, less of me and more of You, less of me and more of You, less of me and more of YOU...and if that's what this is about...I am here. You know what is going on here, and I am here on my couch with my hands up and a smile on my face, eager to trust You and follow You.  I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes or go through anything to be refined and to continue to grow in You...You have given me so much already, if I never have another blessing, it's been more than I deserved....and I know You are here with me, and that's all I need to know.  I know this isn't because of You, from You or a test from You, but I know Your Word promises what is meant for evil will be used as good and I believe that!  As long as I have you to hold me through whatever this is, that's all I need. All I need is You!"  

I posted these verses on facebook last night:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  Rejoice always,  pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  

Isaiah 55:8-9  ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

And through all of it:

P.E.A.C.E.


went to sleep like a baby last night, none of that tossing and turning and what-if's plaguing my mind...
woke up and in I went to the breast clinic this morning filled with Him.  Filled with His PEACE  and His  GRACE  because just six months ago, if this would have happened  I would have wanted my husband, my mom, my best friend and anyone else who would have tried to help console me or be a support for me there.  (and for a brief moment this morning I did feel guilty, this must have been call-back, re-check, something wasn't right with your first scan -- morning because every single woman in there had their hubs with them...EVERY ONE  for a second I thought, "Am I really being a bad wife by not telling him, or am I being a good wife protecting him until we hear from WA?)

But alas I sat alone with God ~ and alone God held my hand today.  And it was yet another huge stair-step on this journey of relationship building with Him.  (He orchestrated us sitting alone I am sure of it, still sometimes I want to put Him in this little box and I don't realize exactly what Omnipotent actually encompasses until the end of the picture finally comes around because had Joey been there, I would have leaned on him.  I would have held his hand, I would have curled on top of his shoulder and wraped my arm like a snake under and around his like I do when I feel insecure and want him to make everything all better, I would have been less keen to God sitting beside me spiritually and holding me up had Joey been there sitting beside me physically holding me up].  (God is just super cool like that).

Once I was called back, I had some additional not-so-much-friendly as the last ones naughty shots or as naughty as anyone will ever get ;) shots of "my girls".  And then I was sat in a little tiny single waiting room, they paged the radiologist who wanted to be called immediately after they were done.  Sitting in the little room, I had another conversation with God. Because He was totally there with me. I said,

"I know I am frustrated, each time I have major scary issues and in the end, the only thing I ever seem to get is, "CTD".  I know I get upset, knowing how real my symptoms are, but never having a clear cut diagnosis, cure or plan of action against it.  But God, I really don't want cancer (I know, no one does but this is what I said outloud to Him).  If I have it.  I will fight it.  But with You on my side no matter what happens ~ I win.  But I just want to thank you for making yourself even more real to me today.  My hearts not pounding, I'm not scared.  I now have the peace that surpasses all understanding that I have READ about.  Now I have seen it in the scariest of circumstances.  You are so awesome."

When the radiology tech came back and said he needed a few more tests, I said, "Ok!" and went right back in, and she apologized about a hundred times at how uncomfortable she was making me and went on to say she understood how scary this must be, and she was trying to hurry and I got a chance to tell her that actually, it wasn't scary.  I had someone bigger than any of this on my side, so actually no it's not scary at all to me, (maybe it should be, but its not).  We had a chance to chat about Jehovah God. <3

Back into the little room I went with my superman like cape that leaves very little to the imagination with it's one little snap at the top front of your neck.  I thanked Him yet again for giving me the opportunity to tell about His insurmountable, undeniable, unexplainable peace that I was experiencing at this very moment.

I sat there and flipped through a travel magazine and saw a picture of island huts over blue water (my absolute all time dream vacation) and I literally looked up and said quietly, "Can I at least go there one time?"  :)  and I smiled and laughed to myself ~ but actually a little out loud that this was what I say to God the very moment sitting in the room waiting for these results...wanting to see bora bora for real one time in comparison to the worst that could happen, seeing Heaven.  HaHa it still makes me laugh.

In came the radiologist tech, so I stood up and she grabbed my arms and said excitedly, "THAT'S IT! Your done! Everything is fine, no more tests! You're free to go, He said it's__________"  Then I asked her what the deal was more in depth, she explained it to me and off with the superman cape, on with the work clothes I went.  Bottom line:  It's not breast cancer.  Praising and thanking Him for ~ so much

HIS GOODNESS
HIS MERCY
HIS GRACE
HIS PEACE
HIS LOVE.
HIS CALM in my storm.

And the most wonderful part of the outcome....

I walked away with a little less of me and a little more of Him!