It is done.
a piece of me is still there...
I am numb.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
realizations setting in
so we are looking at the possibility of losing Isabel next week in order for to her to go live with her great aunt and uncle...at her biological dad's request....
and the reality of this is sinking in
hard and fast
these two months....oh these two months....
from this picture of the little tiny sick beanie baby 3 months old only days after we got her, who couldn't even hold up her head
to this....PLUMP little princess this past weekend, the day before Halloween
OH how my heart has grown and left my body and wrapped around this precious baby girl and OH how the love of God has grown in my heart for this motherless child...and I know that, because....
i looked forward to every 3:30 am feeding....really.truly.
that is a love from somewhere besides myself my own selfish sin nature I had with my own biological kids when I would D.R.E.A.D. getting up and losing sleep to feed a child that took wayyyy to long to drink 4 oz....
With Izzy, as soon as I would hear her stir I would pop out of the bed with a joyous heart (yes literally) that I would get to serve her and nourish her and BE.THERE.FOR HER at all hours
I speed up every day when I get to the road her daycare is on, because I can't wait to get her.
I gladly tell people no about going and doing anything because I would much rather sit home and take care of this child....
I made the decision to stay home FROM church on Wed nights (which I love love love)
to BE the church on Wed nights, because going from daycare to church nursery was just too much on her in one day...
I pack her up and take her on photoshoots with me and care for her needs in between shots and ask my clients to please understand.
I have a much more appreciative heart for the moments we have had with her right now, rather than rushing them away for the next milestone like I did with my own two girls....
I have even been known to take Izzy's hands off her bottle because I just don't want her to be big enough to hold it yet, ;) (guilty as charged) where with my two girls them finally holding a bottle gave my selfish heart the freedom to do something else once they could hold it own their own....
I love her like she is mine...and oddly more than I did mine, in that I didn't slow down enough to REALLY love my own...every moment I could have...and having Iz around has made me a better mom to them as well. Realizing all I've missed by rushing...so I've purposely SLOWWWEed down with each of my girls each day as well since having this blessing child.
Having and infant around the house has made me realize, I really think there is something to this being an older mommy thing....and something scary about the realization she's not really ours...I'm really an older foster mommy...
BUT MY HEART doesn't put that "foster" word in there....
I knew the first time I watched her social worker pull out of the driveway with her to take her to a visitation, and my knees went weak that this is a real mothers love.
I felt like he was taking my baby....I was concerned for her being in a car with him...it was a forshadowing of a day I don't want to see come...I don't know what I will do when she is really pulling out of our lives....
and I didn't like it.
I can honestly say I/we love this child as my/our own.
and she loves us....(ME)!!!
people marvel, that she thinks and acts like I am her mother.
she can be inconsolable and within seconds of my arms around her my cheek in her neck whispering "I've gotcha" she is calm....
now the realization (and the evil internet research confirmation)
that bonding is formed between 3-5 months (the exact time we've had her)
and now...
not by our choice at all
she is most likely 99.9% going to be gone next week...
the most painful part....
she is going to think I/we left her. She is going to be in a strange home, with strange people and think...where is the smell I know, the voices I know the one who nuzzles my neck and assures and calms me with "I've gottcha"?
It's like ALL.THE.SUDDEN. we are the bad guys....
We are the ones letting her go
when that's the last thing we want to do.
I know she will adjust. I know the lucky part is she will not remember us after a little while.
but we will never forget her....
we literally love her like she is ours and have since day one, and anything less would have made us not the best foster parents for her....
but with that comes a price
we will feel the loss as she is ours.
and we will feel like we are giving her up.
as if we are sending our own child to go live with strangers....that by the way, we aren't 100% sure of/or happy about all the details of where she's going...or with those who will be around/close to her.
broken heart...
BREAK.MY.HEART
i thought the classes broke my heart
HA!~~~ HA HA HA HA! (done in my best simba laugh laughing in the face of fear in the lion king movie)
: (
I can't even begin to describe the pain, the heart ache I already feel just thinking about it before it's even sure and happened....
and I can't promise I wont throw myself in front of the car onto the hood and cling to the windshield beating banging and BEGGING whomever is about to drive her away PLEASSSSSSSSSEEEEE not to....
Can't say they will "let" us be foster parents again after this. ; )
My head knows...God is in control...
it's his plan not mine...
IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN
He has her and me in the palm of His hand
and He knew all of this before it happened.../is happening.
He gives strength to the weak and BOY do I feel weak (and helpless) right now...
but my heart...
it just hurts
no matter how much I put God in all of it, it still hurts so bad.
and that head knowledge just isn't connecting right now...
and all the "maybe's" (like she has a family that wants her maybe there is a child out there who has no one we need to take in and love forever and if we kept Iz we probably couldn't...) don't even help. right now.
BECAUSE THOSE ARE MAYBE's and SHE IS HERE.NOW.in our home and our hearts
to the point I don't know if I can keep saying break my heart for what breaks yours...because it's going to be broke when she leaves alright...and I don't know if it will ever be whole again.
but He's walked this path before....
He's given over a son to someone else...
for me
and for Iz.
He knows my pain.
and I'm pretty sure He wasn't clinging to the windshield of a moving car...crying out....
but that's why He is God
and I am just a human, a mother
with a human heart in a fallen world where all moms and dads don't take care of their children
and therefore there is a NEED for people like us who will be temporary moms and dads for innocent sweet left behind children....
EVEN when it HURTS so bad that only GOD will get us through this.
and the reality of this is sinking in
hard and fast
these two months....oh these two months....
from this picture of the little tiny sick beanie baby 3 months old only days after we got her, who couldn't even hold up her head
to this....PLUMP little princess this past weekend, the day before Halloween
OH how my heart has grown and left my body and wrapped around this precious baby girl and OH how the love of God has grown in my heart for this motherless child...and I know that, because....
i looked forward to every 3:30 am feeding....really.truly.
that is a love from somewhere besides myself my own selfish sin nature I had with my own biological kids when I would D.R.E.A.D. getting up and losing sleep to feed a child that took wayyyy to long to drink 4 oz....
With Izzy, as soon as I would hear her stir I would pop out of the bed with a joyous heart (yes literally) that I would get to serve her and nourish her and BE.THERE.FOR HER at all hours
I speed up every day when I get to the road her daycare is on, because I can't wait to get her.
I gladly tell people no about going and doing anything because I would much rather sit home and take care of this child....
I made the decision to stay home FROM church on Wed nights (which I love love love)
to BE the church on Wed nights, because going from daycare to church nursery was just too much on her in one day...
I pack her up and take her on photoshoots with me and care for her needs in between shots and ask my clients to please understand.
I have a much more appreciative heart for the moments we have had with her right now, rather than rushing them away for the next milestone like I did with my own two girls....
I have even been known to take Izzy's hands off her bottle because I just don't want her to be big enough to hold it yet, ;) (guilty as charged) where with my two girls them finally holding a bottle gave my selfish heart the freedom to do something else once they could hold it own their own....
I love her like she is mine...and oddly more than I did mine, in that I didn't slow down enough to REALLY love my own...every moment I could have...and having Iz around has made me a better mom to them as well. Realizing all I've missed by rushing...so I've purposely SLOWWWEed down with each of my girls each day as well since having this blessing child.
Having and infant around the house has made me realize, I really think there is something to this being an older mommy thing....and something scary about the realization she's not really ours...I'm really an older foster mommy...
BUT MY HEART doesn't put that "foster" word in there....
I knew the first time I watched her social worker pull out of the driveway with her to take her to a visitation, and my knees went weak that this is a real mothers love.
I felt like he was taking my baby....I was concerned for her being in a car with him...it was a forshadowing of a day I don't want to see come...I don't know what I will do when she is really pulling out of our lives....
and I didn't like it.
I can honestly say I/we love this child as my/our own.
and she loves us....(ME)!!!
people marvel, that she thinks and acts like I am her mother.
she can be inconsolable and within seconds of my arms around her my cheek in her neck whispering "I've gotcha" she is calm....
now the realization (and the evil internet research confirmation)
that bonding is formed between 3-5 months (the exact time we've had her)
and now...
not by our choice at all
she is most likely 99.9% going to be gone next week...
the most painful part....
she is going to think I/we left her. She is going to be in a strange home, with strange people and think...where is the smell I know, the voices I know the one who nuzzles my neck and assures and calms me with "I've gottcha"?
It's like ALL.THE.SUDDEN. we are the bad guys....
We are the ones letting her go
when that's the last thing we want to do.
I know she will adjust. I know the lucky part is she will not remember us after a little while.
but we will never forget her....
we literally love her like she is ours and have since day one, and anything less would have made us not the best foster parents for her....
but with that comes a price
we will feel the loss as she is ours.
and we will feel like we are giving her up.
as if we are sending our own child to go live with strangers....that by the way, we aren't 100% sure of/or happy about all the details of where she's going...or with those who will be around/close to her.
broken heart...
BREAK.MY.HEART
i thought the classes broke my heart
HA!~~~ HA HA HA HA! (done in my best simba laugh laughing in the face of fear in the lion king movie)
: (
I can't even begin to describe the pain, the heart ache I already feel just thinking about it before it's even sure and happened....
and I can't promise I wont throw myself in front of the car onto the hood and cling to the windshield beating banging and BEGGING whomever is about to drive her away PLEASSSSSSSSSEEEEE not to....
Can't say they will "let" us be foster parents again after this. ; )
My head knows...God is in control...
it's his plan not mine...
IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN
He has her and me in the palm of His hand
and He knew all of this before it happened.../is happening.
He gives strength to the weak and BOY do I feel weak (and helpless) right now...
but my heart...
it just hurts
no matter how much I put God in all of it, it still hurts so bad.
and that head knowledge just isn't connecting right now...
and all the "maybe's" (like she has a family that wants her maybe there is a child out there who has no one we need to take in and love forever and if we kept Iz we probably couldn't...) don't even help. right now.
BECAUSE THOSE ARE MAYBE's and SHE IS HERE.NOW.in our home and our hearts
to the point I don't know if I can keep saying break my heart for what breaks yours...because it's going to be broke when she leaves alright...and I don't know if it will ever be whole again.
but He's walked this path before....
He's given over a son to someone else...
for me
and for Iz.
He knows my pain.
and I'm pretty sure He wasn't clinging to the windshield of a moving car...crying out....
but that's why He is God
and I am just a human, a mother
with a human heart in a fallen world where all moms and dads don't take care of their children
and therefore there is a NEED for people like us who will be temporary moms and dads for innocent sweet left behind children....
EVEN when it HURTS so bad that only GOD will get us through this.
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