when dreams/callings collide...

Wow.  What a week this has been!!  Soooo many emotions!  Thinking of everything that has been stirring my heart/head already and now there is something very major on another front that may (or may not) put the breaks on the foster parenting classes that we would need to sign up for in Feb.

As anyone reading this blog knows (because I have only shared the link with 6 people) Joey went through BLET and his certification is about to run out (April).  He hasn't been hired by an agency yet, due to him being honest about past drug use.  (some agencies have suggested he lie, but he wont--and I am so proud of him for that!!!)

Even though it was in high school/early twenties.  He has had one agency tell him they would give him a chance when they have openings come up in July...which is promising, but its also after his certification runs out.  Which means he would either have to go though 8 months of night BLET training again (which I don't know if he would do), or if the agency would hire him and pay for him to go through it again while being paid during the day.  This is what my blog on Xanga giving it to God was about.  We have worried and stressed and been so confused and angry and confused. (And I have been heartbroken watching him get back rejection letter after rejection letter)


I truly believe his calling to go into law enforcement was from the Lord.
If you knew my husband and saw the changes in him you would too.
There are too many things that were blessed and touched by God about the whole school thing from how well he did, which was beyond God's grace because he was EXHAUSTED, worked the hardest, drove the furtherest to get to class home each night, yet he excelled to the top of the class.  He barely passed high school but had the highest GPA and had a 4.0 in college level material.  God was there.
I honestly believe God has a plan (He always has, we are just impatience and see things only in this world...)  We don't understand how or why God's plan is the way it is, but I know and have known all along (even though I did need some reminding (A LOT) along the way.  It's God's calling and timing and will.
I think He is moving in this situation now.

I have a friend from high school I have reconnected with via facebook, his story is very very very very similar to Joey's, except he had the calling earlier and got into law enforcement earlier in life.   Someone knew his past history and they gave him a chance and now he is very high up the ladder in law enforcement.  I have been in touch with him over the past year him checking in asking how the job search is going, us asking him advice along the way, he even called and put in a good word for Joey at he agency here that is willing to give him a chance in July.  He is now a Christian as well and his heart has been tender for Joey even though they have never even met because he knows, he has been in that same boat. 

Well, Chris posted awhile back on my facebook "we may be hiring soon", I posted back "I may seriously send my husband out there!!!"  It was kind of in jest, but letting him know, that nothing has happened here still.

He called me Friday night, there really is an opening, and he is in a position to possibly help Joey be hired, so he forwarded us a link to the job description and gave me directions to tell Joey how to apply.


AWESOME!!! RIGHT??? AWESOME!!!


It's in Washington... and I'm not talking DC...  

Washington State.  Like 100% as far away from NC as you can possibly get across the country without getting wet.  Joey and I live within 1 mile of the high school we went to, one block from his dad, 4 minutes from my brother and 10 from my mom.  That's how far away we have ever moved.

The thing I do know.  God is in control, and I'll follow God anywhere.  (Joey too...I kinda like him) ;)

{When the three of us sat in the floor and prayed over Joey's job situation just this week it was because of a sermon we had just heard.  In the sermon, the preacher even said, he has seen people hold on to things with gripped fists unwilling to fully trust God to handle it, and when they finally finally surrender it to God, he has seen so many times in his 30 years of preaching, God move within a week or sometimes a day over something that people had been giving to God--(but not really then taking it back) for months or years even.  The sermon was AMAZINGGGGGG and made us all pray a new prayer over Joey's job.  And we all had been at such peace this whole week. (poor little Payton had even been worrying about her daddy getting a job).  But we truly agreed and gave it to Him and walked away with such a sweet peace.}

As soon as I hung up the phone with Chris (when he called to tell me to tell Joey to seriously apply if he would consider it after he looked a the job description) and JUST AS I told Joey the last of the details Chris had told me...as SOON as the words came out of my mouth, --the car was SILENT the radio was silent....and I'm sure Joey and I were in deep thought because that's alot to absorb and in the dark silence driving home-----Then this song started playing out of the silence on KLove in the car.

"Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"

It brought me to tears.


Later Joey and I were talking about it and the possibility of this really happening.
I told him, he would never have considered applying for a job across the country, had he been hired already, and maybe this was God's way of opening a door of opportunity (that we had just prayed for last week) that otherwise you would've NEVER seriously considered. Ever.

I have told him all along because he has only applied locally (VERY LOCALLY) to put in applications everywhere within driving range at least an hour away and (he hasn't listened to me), to which I question him, "How can God put you where he wants you--- if you don't apply where He wants you???"  I know it has to be hard having 6 out of 8 places you have applied reject you already, but he also hasn't applied to over at least 30 agencies I am sure he could.  I think it was kind of like the blog Amber wrote about Emma, I think he thought it would be more fun.  I think we all thought he would graduate and be scooped up or get to choose where he wanted to go because everyone we know in law enforcement was amazed at how well he did.  ((they didn't take his honesty and skeletons in the closet into account)) neither did we, we assumed he did so well and that "past" was so long ago, it would be overlooked.


I'm sorry to be so long winded, this is something that's been going on that I didn't want to share details on Xanga with everyone, but with you ladies, I feel more accepted to really pour out my heart...and it may affect the reason I started this blog.

But the bottom line to this blog today,

Joey applied for the job. 

Which he may or may not get.  Hopefully, we will know before the middle of February, before the foster parenting classes start, but if not.  I will put my dream/calling/whatever is tugging at my heart on hold for his.  I don't want to start classes and find out we may be moving in the middle of them...

Or HE MAY BE MOVING in the middle of them    :O

I guess everything just kind of got further up in the air than it was.


But I'm going with Jesus all the way.  I will still be going wherever he takes me, even if there are a few detours. 
I know the calling in my heart is real. And I also know now, to totally trust God's timing.   

This morning in the shower I was thinking (because my mind never seems to want to stop even in the shower)...

I was thinking if Joey does get this job and he moves to Washington State (temporarily--he would go first at least 6 months alone to make sure he likes it and that is where he wants to be before we would give up our home and family here) I will spend that time without him here to pour more time into these two little sweet boys that are already in my life.  I need to do that no matter what happens with any of this other stuff anyway!

Here is a picture of their sweetness at the beach this past summer!

ps...this is a Federal job, with Federal training, pay and benefits it's an INCREDIBLE opportunity for someone with no experience.  Something I can only see God making happen, if it happens. ;)

Thank you for reading, and for your comments on my last post, I figured out how to comment back but I don't think it notifies you...I am still learning how to use this site.  Thank you so much for your support and Love!  I truly thank God for placing each of you in my life.

m

As she lay sleeping

It was the 9am service on Sunday, January 23, 2011.  Joey, Kaylin and I all showed up in the infant nursery to hold babies for an hour and a half and then go to the 11 service.  It was a Sunday like every other Sunday.  I eagerly anticipate nursery Sunday and holding sweet babies.  There is nothing in this world like holding babies and getting your "baby fix" and then mom or dad comes to pick them up.

I had one baby in arm, when a mom walked in with one of the tiniest ones I had seen in a while. The sweet dark haired dark skinned girl was sleeping in her car seat and her mom was leaving instructions about the bottle being mixed already and if we wanted, we could just leave her sleeping in car seat, since we each had a child in our arms already.  I assured her she wouldn't be there for long.

I squatted down and got a closer look at this bitty baby and told her mom how beautiful she was (as if she didn't know and I may need to alert her of it)!!! She replied with, "Yes she sure is...but she isn't mine, she is a foster baby".  And I said, “Oh my word! She is so tiny". She went on to tell us the story of how her mom was in prison and had to go back immediately after having her, and the dad was recently deported as well, so the baby had no one.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  Pieces of brokenness for the baby, And OH! for the mom I cannot even imagine having a baby and having to leave it immediately, even if she did do something wrong, that is far more punishment than prison could ever be!  Even the dad knowing he’s leaving a baby without mom or dad.  Still I felt my heart breaking for the foster mom whom one day may have to give her back up after investing love sweat and tears into her that only another mother can understand. 

The foster mom went on into the service and within 3 hot seconds of her precious dark brown eyes popping open and the first peep out of her, I put Jayden, (my six month old happy baby on hip) into a jumpy seat and I had her in my arms.

I had her cradled in my arm and she was back asleep in mere moments.  As I looked at her, my heart went through so many different levels of heartbreak.  I looked at Joey with my best puppy dog eyes and said,”Let's just keep her and move to Canada, I know someone we can stay with up there"  ;)  {I am totally kidding; I would never ever ever ever kidnap a baby.  Ever.  Ever.}  But I do adore holding them.  And I realized from a comment on Xanga with Jenny in the short poem I wrote about this experience with her in the nursery on Sunday that I have always had a tender heart for motherless children. 

That's the whole reason I started my Xanga account.  My first entry ever was me writing my emotions and feelings about the little girl Yeshoda, the orphan from Nepal  that stayed with us for a weekend while doing a tour with the Children of the World Choir.  http://mellibella.xanga.com/674146501/life-changing-lesson-in-gratitude/

I looked at Joey and told him to come over and look at her tiny eyelashes.  (He agreed they were the most precious eyelashes ever).  Then, I imagined what her eyes may see in her lifetime.  What other foster children's eyes see in their lifetimes?  And I looked at Joey again...I said..."You know I've seen shows and heard horror stories of how some foster parents do it just to get the checks...and the children are treated badly in foster care sometimes as well, and they are bounced around from home to home, and more likely to end up in real trouble one day."  And then my tone got more serious and sounded like a light bulb was going off in my voice and my heart!  "Joey, what if there aren't enough Christian foster parents out there?  What if one child could come to a good home, instead of a bad home?  What if there is a child somewhere being mistreated that could have us for foster parents???" (I know I am not anywhere near a perfect parent...but I love my kids and they have never been mistreated)

Kaylin from the other rocker holding her baby looks at Joey and says very wittily, "Watch out Joey". (What can I say, she has seen the light bulb go off and me come home with a 90 lb 5mth old puppy even though I thought we were going to pick up "a puppy" and me say I wanted a new house where our double wide was sitting and Joey and I signing papers within two weeks for the loan)

Joey in his most realistic and come back down to earth daddy voice (I hate when he uses that one on me) says, "Melissa we had a little girl from Nepal for a weekend and you called every adoption agency and even contacted Nepal’s adoption regulators....do you really think you could foster parent a child for weeks, months or maybe years and then give them back when their REAL mom got out of jail?  Knowing full well you would most like be a better mom for that child?"  So I said just a matter of factually, "Well when that happens we will really move to Canada!" (I was still totally kidding).  Then I give him my most adorable irresistible smile and say, "Well Joseph, how will I ever know if I could do it or not, if I never tried it...maybe I could only do it once, but maybe that one child is who God wanted us to be there for, to make a difference too? And then maybe I couldn't do it again....But I know the Bible says I can do all things through Him and that means ALL" (I think I got him with that one.  I mean who can argue with God's will...if this really is God's will welling up in my heart?  

She gripped and released my finger and let out a sigh.  As if she were bringing my attention back down to her and to how adorable she was.  As if I needed a reminder, her precious sweet innocent face was burning into my mind.  

I sat and held her for about 40 minutes straight.  My head wheeling and my heartbreaking, thinking about her poor poor mother having to leave her child. Maybe she would be/is a good mother; maybe she just did something stupid for the now deported father.  Heavens knows I have done dumb and illegal things for boys/men more than once in my life.   What if she got tangled up in a terrible mistake and what if her heart was broken and she had been crying the whole 9 weeks straight in prison that she was separated from this beautiful little blessing from God...and this baby, who never had a chance to breast feed because her mother had to go behind bars, somewhere unsuitable for her to go along...my heart was just breaking and all the while...

Wondering if I really could do something like this? 

As the tears from my thoughts in my head manifested into tears streaming down my cheeks, Kaylin again, said, "watch out Joey"....to which I bantered, "Had you not ran away and left me Miss Sassy Pants, I wouldn't have a spare room and be able to even consider this!!!"  And then I ever so maturely stuck my tongue out at her. ;)

Then Joey who had been patience the whole 40 minutes and had only asked me like 25 times if I really wasn't going to share her and let him hold her any asked again.  So I gave in.  I caved.  I traded her to Joey for this cutie pie CHUNK ER boy who needed to have a diaper change...(some trades in life just aren't fair) haha ;)

When I handed her to him, I pointed out again her eyelashes and her dainty hands and tiny fingernails.

When I came back from the other room and changing the diaper about 5 minutes later, he said, "Exactly Where in Canada?"

I normally leave the nursery filling satisfied and filled with baby lovins.  I left the nursery with a lot on my mind and a hole in my heart.

Monday afternoon sitting at my desk around 4:15 when I finally finished my work, I googled "Foster Parenting in NC". I read all the information on the state site.  Nothing freaked me out or scared me, but there was one first and foremost question I needed an answer to, the most important question before I could even truly keep considering this.  So I clicked a link to the local County agency and sent this email: 

____________________________________________________________________

From: Melissa
Sent: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:26 PM

With whom would we speak with if we had questions about possible interest in becoming foster parents?

From: A 
Sent: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:41 PM
To: Melissa
Subject: foster parenting

Melissa,

My name is A* and I am the Foster Home Licensing Social Worker. I will be glad to talk with you about foster parenting. My # is (***-***-****). One of the first steps to become a licensed foster parents is to take the foster/adoptive parent classes. Our next class will start on March 1^st. I can let you know more about that.

We appreciate your interest! Look forward to talking with you.

Thanks.

A*

Mon 1/24/2011 4:53 PM

From: Melissa

I have a very basic question first and foremost that if you could answer it may be the end of the inquiry.  I know there are children of all ages and backgrounds that need placement, and if it were just myself and my husband I would be ok with that and would not have any concerns.  However, we have a 12 year old daughter still living at home with us, and would not want any placement that may in anyway put her in harm’s way (an older abusive child etc).  Is there any kind of selection process we as foster parents would be able to make or if you sign on, you are bound by accepting you may possibly have a 16 year old angry abused boy move into your home? 

I am so sorry if this sounds like our hearts are cold towards those children, it is not, it truly breaks for them.  But if this is the case we may need to revisit when we have a total empty nest.   We had an 18 year old daughter move out this past fall to her own apartment and spoke with another foster parent at church Sunday and felt a tug in our hearts towards inquiring and we have more than enough love and space to offer another child whom may be in need of it, but we can’t possibly justify putting our daughter in a possible bad situation.  I hope this is taken as it is written I know sometimes email can be misconstrued.

Thank you for your time.

Melissa

From: A

Sent: Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:48 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: RE: foster parenting

Good morning,

The age range is always up to the foster parent. We understand that when foster parents have other children most of the parents want to keep the age range under the age of their child. The age range and the sex is always up to the foster parents.  The classes will help you decide what is best for your family.  Again, we appreciate your interest and if you have any other questions let me know.

A

Tue 1/25/2011 9:50 AM

From: Melissa

Thank you.  We will talk about it and pray about it together as a family and I will get back to you.  When is the deadline for enrolling in the March 1^st course?  And is it a day course or night course?  Thank you again.

Melissa

From: A

Sent: Tuesday, January 2, 2011 9:53 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: RE: foster parenting

Melissa,

The classes are in the evening on a Tuesday night from 6:30 to 9:pm. They are from March 1^st to May 3^rd. If you can let me know by the middle of February that would be fine then I can send you the letter about the class.

Have a good day.

A

___________________________________________________________________

So, for now I am waiting.  I am waiting on God to lead me where He wants me to go.  I am waiting for God's perfect timing.  I am waiting to see if God is going to touch Joey's heart as well.  And I am waiting to see if for some reason bigger than I could possibly understand, if I am being led towards the two children I already know and love, that I could do more with and for. 

No matter what He is preparing my heart for, I had a couple of HUGE revelations over the past couple of days, about myself, about my heart, about How being more like Jesus means getting rid of a whole lotta me. I have been wanting more of Jesus and less of me in my life...that obviously requires being more like Jesus-and allowing room for Jesus to move in a larger space in my life and heart than I currently hold Him bound to.  I like to think, He rules every part of my life, I like to think I always put Him above all else, but the truth is, I have started seeing some pretty ugly things since Sunday.

I could afford to squeeze out some of the me that is overly comfortable, overly materialistic, overly indulged, overly SPOILED.  That's one thing about my own girls that "burns me up" (any mom reading this knows what that means) when they act spoiled.  But how spoiled have I been living with our multiple cars 5 to be exact (for 2 adults?) a convertible, an old work truck, my SUV , my dad's old truck that doesn't run, but I can't seem to part with it, and an antique Nova Joey-toy, a huge in ground pool, a jacuzzi, a trampoline, workout equipment that holds unfolded laundry, an attic big enough to house a family of six, a storage building to hold a large freezer because the one in my refrigerator is too small, sitting comfortably in a heated and air conditioned church every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening, hearing the Word of God being spoon fed from a wonderful Preacher (when others meet in tunnels and fear death for owning a bible)....and I wonder why sometimes my kids act spoiled?  Even though we work hard for all we have....Is that my purpose here in life?  To love God, hear heart changing sermons, love Him and have a relationship with him and to collect stuff to play with on the side?  I think not....NO, I know not!

My eyes are being opened to my own self-absorbed life.  Jesus was the opposite of self-absorbed and if I want more of Him and less of me...I need to change a lot.

Lord, continue to break my heart with what breaks Yours!

Break my heart Lord for what breaks Yours...

At first, the above title was just a new song on KLove that I would sing along with in the car.  Then it became a song that spoke deeper to me than the lyrics.  It became something that I would say inside my head throughout the day. 

It kept ringing back and replaying the way arguments with ones you love sometimes do (until they are resolved that is) ;)

It eventually became something I would say out loud and then it became my prayer.  Looking up to the sky with my arms raised on a cold December morning, I said "Break my heart Lord with what breaks Yours".  I continued to repeat these words to my Heavenly Father. 

I didn't know why.  I didn't understand why it continuously came to my mind.  I had a feeling it was a bit of a guilty conscious about how spoiled my family and I all are.  That started coming into focus for me when we adopted a Christmas Cheer family in 2009.  Throughout 2010 we have remained actively involved in their lives. 

This past year we took two little boys to see the Atlantic Ocean for their first time ever, even though we (and they) live less than 3 hours from it (I should point out here, we vacation at least one full week per year and sometimes a weekend here and there as well ever since having children 18 years ago) and take it very much as a given, this is just what we do.  What we don't take into account is that there are others who never get to experience it, so we should appreciate it a little more.  To us it's just--where we go for vacation.

There was something profound and not-of-this-world about seeing those sweet faces light up, their eyes growing wider than should be humanly possible, shreaks and squeals coming out of little boys-that sounded more like little girls. Witnessing their eyes trying to absorb the magnitude of God's awesome rolling, living, gigantic creation for the first time ever as they ran towards it with mouths so large with smiles it looked cartoonish.  Although I have always held a special place for the sea, I saw it through new eyes that day as well.

We took them to the zoo for the first time ever, (the zoo to which we purchase a year round family pass every year and have ever since my first child was 2 years old--because my kids and I love looking at the animals and we have been blessed enough to afford it).  Yet again, something we just do, and assume, if anyone else wanted to, they could also.   You would have thought we took those two kids to Animal Kingdom at Disney World/Land.  Amazed, enthralled, and wanting to see every single exhibit and stay for way too long at each one..(like my kids did in the beginning). Now, it's a trip we have made uncountable times, and in all honesty, most of them were taken for granted, of just how blessed we were to do it.  Not everyone has an awesome zoo less than an hour from there home, or can afford yearly membership rates. 

Watching them take in the aquarium for the first time in their lives...that too was such a treat for them, having never seen such diversity in one place in "real life" before.  We go at least once every year on our beach trips sometimes twice if it's raining or if someone gets sunburnt and needs a day off the beach.  Something we see as just another normal day there, they saw through a childs eyes for the first time and they saw it as awe striking as it actually is!  They stood in front of the biggest tank for what seemed like forever, so excited about each new thing they spotted!

We have taken these boys countless times to McDonald's, Wendy's, and for pizza during outings because that's what we do when out.   We never think twice about eating out on the run, because we are out on the run a lot and that's what we do!  You should have heard the excitement when we pulled into McDonald's for the 2nd time in one day (that was the only fast food restaurant on the island).  The car could have run off the fumes of their excitement... YES they get THAT excited about a happy meal, as me and my kids mumbled..."ughhhh, McDonald's again".

All of these things, that have been totally taken for granted by our family are all unbelievable extravagances and some quite possibly, once in a lifetime things to these kids.  You see their mom is sick.  So they sit in this tiny very HOT low rental housing apartment complex with their sick mom who rarely gets out besides to attend church on Sunday (by the help of family members) and occasionally they walk to the grocery store, a block away.  Without a car or the funds to do much more, they have lived a very sheltered and very hot (temperature-wise) life, but she loves those boys, she just can't provide more for them, she can't go out in the yard and play with them, or jump on a trampoline with them like I have been so lucky to do with my girls.  So, yes, in their eyes and in reality, I have done a lot for these boys this past year...but I know I could still do more.

I thought my heart was being broken (although still comfortably) by their situation,  I thought I was making a great difference in little lives (although I could still do more).  So, I didn't at all understand this prayer that I had began praying or why these words that were resonating in my heart and mind.  I had no idea what, "Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours" would come to mean to me.

I am still not sure, but I think this past Sunday I found out.

I think I had a glimpse of what this really is going to mean, and how big that prayer really is. I think I had an encounter with God that is not going to be able to be comfortably doing a little something to forward His Kingdom here on earth anymore.  I think he opened my eyes through my heart and through a precious babies eyelashes.

I hope to document the entire journey, as I figure it out.  Just typing this out and talking it over in my head and heart by writing it down today and tonight, I wonder if I need to do more where I am already invested, or if I am being called to do that as well as something bigger something much bigger?

And typing that last sentence, I realize, it's not my head and heart I need to hear.  It's HIS... "Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours".