Heart breaking....yes

Today I was in the building at DSS where visitations take place with families of foster children.

I was with a friend seeking help from another department in the building.

Some reason (GOD) we were placed in the waiting room area that is attached to the child/parent visitation play center at DSS (I am assuming).  We sat there a few minutes and a lady who was in the play room with a child, just gets up and walks out....with a blonde headed little girl just sitting there.

Well, my friend is filling out paperwork and this little precious girl comes walking up to me with a book....
so I lean over and open the book and start reading to her.  Each time I pause at the end of a page, she turns the page for me to go on.  The book "Five little monkey's jumping on the bed". 

The mom.  No where in sight.

I read the book two times and in the middle of the 4th time the mom came back in and kind of called down her child for bothering me, and I said no I enjoyed it. 

The little girl walked over to her mom and raised up the book and the mom got another call and walked back out the door.  The little one came back to me and I began to read it to her again, this time fighting back tears.

When the mom came back in I asked her how old she was and she said 3, but she had a 15 month old at home to which she proudly displayed a pic on her phone to me, the little girl saw it and seemed to get a little upset and was saying something I couldn't understand, she barely talked and what she did was almost impossible to decipher.

As her mom held up the phone talking of her baby brother, the little blonde girl grabbed the phone from her mom and brought it to me trying to tell me something about her brother and she seemed sad. Her mom was gushing on and on about him.  What if she was trying to tell me she misses him?

I broke.
Inside of my heart literally broke and I think God gave me just another tiny little glimpse today of what we are walking into.

The mom stood by the door the rest of the time like she was waiting on the social worker to come back so she could leave. While I read the book one last time before we were called back.

And here I sit picturing those blonde curls, blue eyes, grunting mumbling speech and a longing for someone to read to her.

Broken.
Saddened
Disbelief
and wanting to take that child home with me forever.

Just opening my eyes once again to how much God is doing this, not me and in order for me to continue...
I am going to need Him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of the year for how ever many years we foster.

It is not me, it is all Him and it is going to have to be Him to get me through this.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

The waiting game, friends, night shifts and just how BIG God is.

I know...I say it often, God is big. 
But I don't say it with a simple or repetitive blah "God is big" attitude or use it as just something to say. 
I say it with awe and wonder and in true humility of how BIG He really is.
Awe of how every small detail is covered by Him.

So what's God been up to lately?  He's brought some new friends into my world.  New, breath-of-fresh-air, excited about the Lord friends who have quickly become like more than sisters to me than just sisters-in-Christ to me.  Friends that you would never believe how much we have in common...from our past to our present.  Friends with kids the same age and with similar marital situations/correlations, common regrets/common concerns common yahoo's happening and both looking to our Lord in thanksgiving for this new friendship circle to form a safe haven and small group sisterhood with each other.

There are few people I have shared this website with.  Only when I feel that God is laying it on my heart to share it, do I.  Some of my closest friends and family have no idea it exists and then some people I have had only one encounter with ~ I somehow share the testimony and the story of this foster parenting journey with and with that, this site.  It's hard to explain, but it's like there is a green light in my heart from God when that happens. 


Well, God has sent me two new friends that I immediately felt led to share this story and site with.
It was a start to opening my heart to them in a very raw, deeply emotional way. 

With one of the deepest most emotional walks I have ever taken with Jesus. 

and He has blessed that.
We have bonded so quickly and deeply sharing things with each other that in no other way than through the goodness of God can it be explained.

Then we started this walking thing.  They both expressed interest in getting deeper with God, so I suggested we start walking at least 3 times a week together to get our bodies and hearts (physical and spiritual) in shape at the same time.  So now we walk and talk about Him, life, struggles, celebrations and it is good.  I call it our "walking with the Lord group".  ; )

And now...I see, just why God is doing this.  Because He loves me.  Because He knows I have lost other friends because of this walk and now He is replacing them with new friends....because of this walk. ; )

Also, no small coincidence...Joey is about to start His shift work at the Sheriff Depart.  The end of July he will start working 2 weeks days 2 weeks nights....I will have new sisters strong in Christ standing by me, who both live within 2 miles from me (God's awesome huh?) That want to come over and hang out and work out with me AND MOST IMPORTANTLY who want to worship, praise and walk with the Lord.

God's placed Christian friends close by for when Joey's gone. ; ) for love, encouragement, support
and at a time when we will most likely be placed with a foster child soon. 

His ways are not our ways.  They are so much better.  I couldn't have seen this or known it may be something I even needed.

but He did.

He takes care of every little detail once we choose to seek Him and His will for our lives.
Love that man....and His ways.
And my new girlfriends.

Update: (well not really but...paperwork is off to the state...just a waiting game now, but OH the yard sale racking up I have been doing for boys/girls/older/younger) it was such a blessing sitting in the floor with Kaylin folding clean clothes to go into a closet to wait. She was excited with me about my finds and how real it makes it to be folding clothes of a child that will come with little if any of their own.

I go into that empty bedroom often and just fall to the floor and pray.  I used to pray in the car for them, but now that the room is there filled with little beds, I love being in there. Just praying.  Prayers covering a child I don't even know yet.  Prayers from a foster-mom's heart that already loves this child, wherever they are and whatever they are living in.

And He is big.  He is so big....He hears them.  Whispered prayers for an unknown child ~ to a big God...He knows their name.

Final re-inspection and clinging to Him

after an emergency delay on our licensing workers part...we finally completed the final final inspection Wednesday night.

she was impressed with the quickness and quality of the fixes we added to the pool area to which I said, yeah I am a project get-it-done now kinda girl, and she said yes she remembered reading that more than once...to which Joey said, "She is a project DRIVER".  Well, if I were skilled with screw guns, lifting heavy things and cementing rocks on the foundation of a house....I would be a project get it done now girl.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) I know where my limits and gifts are, and they aren't mechanical or manly or anything to do with construction.  But I am a world class bug the snot out of someone until the pool fence is done girl especially when it comes to getting this foster parenting license ball rolling and a child in a safe loving home. ;)

she approved the pool safety, and is submitting our packet to the state this week.

as she was leaving our house I walked her to the car and she said we should be expecting a phone call very soon.

then she emphasized VERY SOON again.

she said they have been known to place foster children in homes when the paperwork has been sent off to the state in emergency situations, and having taken in 8 children in the last 2 weeks...don't be surprised if we get a phone call soon.
she said, "actually...we are getting a 12 year old girl tomorrow"....but I know you wanted younger than Payton....

sooooooooooo  HELLO.....

I had in my mind all along....fall.  
we would be licenced and maybe get a call in the fall.
walking back in the house my head started swirling around the statements she had just made...and I
thought...

wow.
are we really ready?  I mean really.  I know we took the classes, we passed the inspection, I have a bedroom with three beds and a couch in it waiting with all clean sheets and comforters and a closet (that needs to be cleaned out I remember now that I'm typing this).....

but the real thing the big thing....

is my heart ready?

is my heart really ready?

ready to share so much more than a clean home and structured environment....

is my heart ready to hear the heartbreaking story on the other end of a phone call and to say "YES!".

to make the drive across town to go meet our new temporary member of our family.

to wake up in the middle of the night again to soothe night fears or change wet beds or feed an infant again am I ready to be emptied of some of the me time and the me life and pour it into someone else?  am I really ready to rid myself of some of the selfish spoiled ways I have become accustomed to?  

Ways I like to think I have been getting rid of over the last several years, but honestly~~~ we have been sitting in our comfortable-easy loving home. Learning and loving each other with a more Christ like growing love...but am I really ready to give that "EASY CHRISTIAN" (or not Christian?) life we have been living up for a challenge a struggle a less comfortable way of life?

This phone call we now wait on will let me know the answers to that.

Today is Friday and ever since Wednesday, when my phone rings I think....AM I READY?


In our Wed sermon I have been chewing on a statement a visiting preacher made.  He said if you aren't growing, stretching, changing....you are coasting.   And you coast DOWN HILL. It really struck me. 

We've been coasting for years.
Is my heart ready to pedal uphill?

The answer is my heart is...it has been...over the last six months it has been broken and re-set by the master physician.

but my head still swirls with the what's, how's, when's and what's....

but I know just as Jackie ever so eloquently and southern NC as you can put something said,
"Melissa, He didn't carry you this far to drop you now"....she's right.  He didn't and He wouldn't...and as much as I am making this sound like it's about me and my readiness and my growth....it's not

It's all about HIM
ALL ABOUT HIM!!!!

it's ok for me to have emotions and questions and butterflies and even a few doubts...
as long as I don't live in them.  BECAUSE HE LIVES IN ME!!!!!
and He who is in me....is the one who has orchestrated this all...

He has blessed me by choosing me to have the opportunity to love with His love.
To have love and compassion for parents who may not deserve it...
but what did I deserve?  and what did He give me....

I stand here at the end/beginning full well knowing, none of this will be done by me.
It is all by Him and by His grace we are here....and I give it all to Him.

So here we are at the end of one part about to enter into the next step...and I sit clinging to Him.
Trusting Him.
Believing in Him.
Praising Him
and Praying for this child...as I have been all these months....praying for this child God is sending us to love and show them Him through us, for a time.

Inspection #2 ~ references being called ~ getting close

So of course the fence, gate and lock have all been installed and photos emailed.
Today I got a call from our licensing worker with more questions about our dog.  Seems in May the paperwork got much more detailed regarding pets around foster children.  So I was able to answer all of those via phone, then she said the state would need more details regarding the degenerative disk and UCTD on my paperwork from my physical, like symptoms and treatments etc.  So she is going to email the extra questions to answer for that and I will email responses back to her.

She said she failed to get us to sign one of the papers, so she would bring it out tomorrow, reinspect the pool area and then she would be ready to present our packet to her co-workers for approval to forward to the state. She said that baring any problems licensing happens within 50 days of submission.  She said it never takes that long, but that is the amt of time the state has to approve or deny a packet.  Looks like we are moving forward.

Also, I got a very excited phone call tonight from one of our dear friends, who is also a reference.  She said that she received the phone call about "us" from DSS.  She said the licensing worker sounded really excited about working with us and that she thought we were going to make great foster parents.  She of course asked questions of both she and her husband about us.... and that is the last step on the check sheet for preparation for state licensing. 

So yeah.  I'm pretty excited tonight.
Hopefully, the modifications will be approved around the pool area, and then we just wait...
continue to pray and wait upon the Lord.