The aftermath...........of His relentless grace

long time no write huh?

well, i would like to say i stayed as God focused and "His plan" "His time" "His Will" as my entry before last....

truth is

I have never been more lost in my life and more white knuckling untrusting trying to control or refusing to give up control of anything in my world.  ever.

the week that led up to losing Izzy...the weeks that led up to losing Izzy...
I lost sight of everything...my vision was blurred by pain, tears, anger and I even lost sight of God in all of my emotional turmoil.

I snatched my hand out of His like a spoiled rotten free spirited 2 year old that goes running through a store or towards a highway alone because that's what  they want  to do....not because it's smart or safe.

and me turning my face from God was much more dangerous than a 2 year old running through a store alone, or even into oncoming traffic and it could have ended in total disaster...

But our Lord is good, and steadfast and relentless in going after that one, or just standing waiting for them to turn around and see His never ending mercy and love.
In case your wondering, if your spirit or your will says, "Go Away I'm mad"!!!! Even though, I see now He was there...I totally didn't feel Him.  I didn't have the peace and comfort and the safety that I do now...when I needed it more than I ever have in my life.

and it was by my own stubborn choice.

I chose not to lean on God.
I chose to live in my emotions.
I chose darkness over light...
all because I chose to make this, my walk, my path, my life...my LOSS
I took back all I gave Him on my deck in December when this journey started I took back my total surrender to Him using me...I took it back because His will didn't match up with my will.

I was a mad pouting child, hurting myself more than I was hurting anyone else, except maybe God having to watch my suffering for the weeks to come...
and my husband.

I can throw on a smile and put on an act with the best of them...my younger years taught me to be quite the actress...
but the truth is,
God sees past that.  He saw a selfish angry heart.
He saw someone who didn't like His plan and wasn't the spirit flowing articulate praising Daughter of the King that I have professed to be.
He saw me crumble under pressure.
He saw me need Him more than ever, yet push Him away as if this all was His fault.

but when I finally with a mighty hard landing (and now thanking Him for no cushion of ANYONE there) came to the bottom of the pit of desperation and looked up and cried out...
HE WAS RIGHT THERE WAITING...which means He never left, He was right there beside of me...just like when I was saved...right there to hear my voice...always. waiting...just like the father in the prodigal son parable.

and softly saying "My most precious child, why did you wait so long to turn to me?  Let me comfort you in your pain and loss"

He healed my hurt.
He restored my spirit.
He calmed the storm.
He held my hand.
He called me by name.
He still, even after my selfish, pathetic melt down...loves me with a grace and a mercy I have never experienced this strongly.

Amazing Grace...is not just a hymn.

Isabel is doing great.  We got to see her a week after we dropped her off at her new home.  She came and had Thanksgiving lunch with me, Joey, Kaylin and Payton.  She grew and changed so much in just 7 days, it gave me much more of an appreciation of her aunts reactions to her in the weekly visits they had with her while we were Izzy's home.

In just those seven days, something about her changed, or me in just that one week.
When we had her for Thanksgiving she seemed distance, a little confused or like we were strange to her the games we had played with her and made her laugh before-didn't, it wasn't as natural, it wasn't as fluid....

SHE.WASN'T.OURS.

And I felt that...and it hurt, but it also was a closure of sorts.
We have been invited to get her or visit anytime, and we may try one more time, we aren't sure yet...

Losing Isabel was the hardest thing I have ever done.  IN.MY.LIFE.  The sounds in our car after pulling out of their driveway are a haunting memory that will stay with me (and probably my kids & husband) forever...It was a pain I've never felt and cannot begin to fathom the feelings of parents who lose a child to death....

But now, 4+ weeks out...I am glad to see how suffering with God and without God are so different.
It makes me appreciate the fact that I do know Him... (even when I chose to pull away)
It made me see how my life would still feel without Him, because that is the kind of darkness I went to...a pre-God kind of existence and it broke my heart for all of the people in the world who live that kind of life unknowingly everyday, like I once did.

It made me vow to never turn from Him again...in anger, fear, anxiety...no matter what or how bad...it's so much better with Him and His love, His light, His grace, His mercy....
there is no more "me & Him"  there will be no more separations because I am acting out as a child in rebellion...
as much as I would never want to feel the loss of a child like I felt with my first foster daughter..
even more so, I now know I never want to feel the absence of God in my heart and mind again.  Ever.

I know some of you reading this may think, this makes no sense, "she knew" God would walk her through it, "she should have known __________".....

the answer is...I did, but I didn't.  Not until now.
I knew with my head all the verses all the answers all the "right things I should do/done/say/believe"...
but my heart was cracked wide open when I lost that baby I loved so dearly...

which all the more makes me stand in awe...
that He willingly gave His son, for me to get mad, turn my back, cover my ears and say "I don't need you right now because I'm mad...I got this thank you very much, I'll work it out and deal with it on my on!!! I mean I was doing what you sent me to do THIS! and this is the outcome!?!"....

BUT   when I finally turned around finally breathed air again---I realized I was completely destroying myself, my marriage, my sanity...

AND HE WAS STILL RIGHT THERE...

not, saying "fine you wanted it you do it...handle it big girl"...

He was right there waiting....tenderly, mercifully, gracefully, forgiving, open armed~open hearted....WAITING...
and He has healed restored and strengthened faith..yes even the mist of my own rebellion, He used it for good.
Making all of the promises I've read and "know in my head"
a known in my heart.  For the future...
the building of faith.

for the next time.
for the future trials in life that come my way.

No, I may not have been very smart, may not have handled any of this the right way, but I sure feel like I walked away with much more of a heart knowledge of Him and His goodness. 
Maybe    that   was His plan all along.  Whatever it was/is....I know I am in it with Him...even especially in the hardest parts from now own...forever.

Thank you for all of your prayers, I know they are part of what sustained me and did pull me to my knees and back to Him...He is good and still surrounded me with friends of faith to pray for me when I wasn't for myself.

Losing Iz,

It is done.
a piece of me is still there...

I am numb.

realizations setting in

so we are looking at the possibility of losing Isabel next week in order for to her to go live with her great aunt and uncle...at her biological dad's request....

and the reality of this is sinking in
hard and fast

these two months....oh these two months....

from this picture of the little tiny sick beanie baby 3 months old only days after we got her, who couldn't even hold up her head

to this....PLUMP little princess this past weekend, the day before Halloween

OH how my heart has grown and left my body and wrapped around this precious baby girl and OH how the love of God has grown in my heart for this motherless child...and I know that, because....

i looked forward to every 3:30 am feeding....really.truly.
that is a love from somewhere besides myself my own selfish sin nature I had with my own biological kids when I would D.R.E.A.D. getting up and losing sleep to feed a child that took wayyyy to long to drink 4 oz....

With Izzy, as soon as I would hear her stir I would pop out of the bed with a joyous heart (yes literally) that I would get to serve her and nourish her and BE.THERE.FOR HER at all hours

I speed up every day when I get to the road her daycare is on, because I can't wait to get her.

I gladly tell people no about going and doing anything because I would much rather sit home and take care of this child....

I made the decision to stay home FROM church on Wed nights (which I love love love)
to BE the church on Wed nights, because going from daycare to church nursery was just too much on her in one day...

I pack her up and take her on photoshoots with me and care for her needs in between shots and ask my clients to please understand.

I have a much more appreciative heart for the moments we have had with her right now, rather than rushing them away for the next milestone like I did with my own two girls....

I have even been known to take Izzy's hands off her bottle because I just don't want her to be big enough to hold it yet, ;) (guilty as charged) where with my two girls them finally holding a bottle gave my selfish heart the freedom to do something else once they could hold it own their own....

I love her like she is mine...and oddly more than I did mine, in that I didn't slow down enough to REALLY love my own...every moment I could have...and having Iz around has made me a better mom to them as well.  Realizing all I've missed by rushing...so I've purposely SLOWWWEed down with each of my girls each day as well since having this blessing child.

Having and infant around the house has made me realize, I really think there is something to this being an older mommy thing....and something scary about the realization she's not really ours...I'm really an older foster mommy...

BUT MY HEART doesn't put that "foster" word in there....

I knew the first time I watched her social worker pull out of the driveway with her to take her to a visitation, and my knees went weak that this is a real mothers love.
I felt like he was taking my baby....I was concerned for her being in a car with him...it was a forshadowing of a day I don't want to see come...I don't know what I will do when she is really pulling out of our lives....

and I didn't like it.

I can honestly say I/we love this child as my/our own.
and she loves us....(ME)!!!
people marvel, that she thinks and acts like I am her mother.
she can be inconsolable and within seconds of my arms around her my cheek in her neck whispering "I've gotcha"  she is calm....


now the realization (and the evil internet research confirmation)
that bonding is formed between 3-5 months (the exact time we've had her)
and now...
not by our choice at all

she is most likely 99.9% going to be gone next week...

the most painful part....

she is going to think I/we left her.  She is going to be in a strange home, with strange people and think...where is the smell I know, the voices I know the one who nuzzles my neck and assures and calms me with "I've gottcha"?

It's like  ALL.THE.SUDDEN. we are the bad guys....
We are the ones letting her go
when that's the last thing we want to do.

I know she will adjust. I know the lucky part is she will not remember us after a little while.

but we will never forget her....

we literally love her like she is ours and have since day one, and anything less would have made us not the best foster parents for her....

but with that comes a price

we will feel the loss as she is  ours.
and we will feel like we are giving her up.
as if we are sending our own child to go live with strangers....that by the way, we aren't 100% sure of/or happy about all the details of where she's going...or with those who will be around/close to her.

broken heart...
BREAK.MY.HEART

i thought the classes broke my heart
HA!~~~ HA HA HA HA! (done in my best simba laugh laughing in the face of fear in the lion king movie) 

: (

I can't even begin to describe the pain, the heart ache I already feel just thinking about it before it's even sure and happened....
and I can't promise I wont throw myself in front of the car onto the hood and cling to the windshield beating banging and BEGGING whomever is about to drive her away PLEASSSSSSSSSEEEEE not to....

Can't say they will "let" us be foster parents again after this.  ; )

My head knows...God is in control...
it's his plan not mine...

IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN

He has her and me in the palm of His hand
and He knew all of this before it happened.../is happening.
He gives strength to the weak and BOY do I feel weak (and helpless) right now...
but my heart...
it just hurts
no matter how much I put God in all of it, it still hurts so bad.
and that head knowledge just isn't connecting right now...
and all the "maybe's" (like she has a family that wants her maybe there is a child out there who has no one we need to take in and love forever and if we kept Iz we probably couldn't...) don't even help. right now.

BECAUSE THOSE ARE MAYBE's and SHE IS HERE.NOW.in our home and our hearts

to the point I don't know if I can keep saying break my heart for what breaks yours...because it's going to be broke when she leaves alright...and I don't know if it will ever be whole again.

but He's walked this path before....
He's given over a son to someone else...
for me
and for Iz.
He knows my pain.
and I'm pretty sure He wasn't clinging to the windshield of a moving car...crying out....
but that's why He is God
and I am just a human, a mother
with a human heart in a fallen world where all moms and dads don't take care of their children
and therefore there is a  NEED for people like us who will be temporary moms and dads for innocent sweet left behind children....

EVEN when it HURTS so bad that only GOD will get us through this.

God got us into this...and surely He will be with us through it ; )

When I was singing along the words to "I will praise you in this storm" earlier this week
on the ride into work and the lines:

"I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you" (it was pouring rain)
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away."  (my hand was raised)

those last two lines brought immense thick uncontrollable hot tears quickly pouring down my face like the rain on my windshield was....

and as I wept I looked up and I whispered..."are you trying to give me a head's up?"
because my heart was so pierced by the thought of her leaving.

ever.
but sooner than later..even more painful to think of.

We were waiting on a paternity test and the results are in.
He is her dad.
and he has an aunt and uncle he prefers her to be placed with.

We met the aunt in the visitation meeting on Monday and she was very maternal and really good with Isabel...I walked away with a peace
and a resolve...
that IF he was her dad
and IF he wanted to be a part of her life...
maybe it would be better for her to be with them...

Now that this may really happen...
I can't say I haven't had a few sharp knife in the chest pangs come and go...
But I know...

God has her.

And us.

And that I will praise Him in the storm...and in the sunshine
no matter which way this goes.

The aunt and uncle still have to undergo home inspections and background/financial checks like we did...
so we aren't talking about her leaving tomorrow.
But we are talking leaving sooner that we had thought.
We assumed from all we had heard prior to these results we may have her until at least January...as a minimum.

Just found out a few hours ago...
and all I can think is how Great is our God
my employer has fall break Monday and Tuesday,
so I get to be home with her 4 days straight, just like when we first got her.
But this time, with her healthy and happy.  ; )

And I know now the cherish each and every moment even more than  I have been, if that's even possible.
And to thank God for the time we still have her.
and that she has brought me closer to HIM
and even more so today than yesterday.

I think I knew,
deep down...
today my facebook thankful status already said earlier this morning...
"and that no matter the future, today is enough because He has blessed us with it"

and that's true.  She has been such a blessing to our home and our lives...
she has truly been a gift from Him.
and will continue to be no matter where she is.

Happy fall break weekend!

Miss Isabel~Melts my Heart

It's been about 4 weeks.
She has melted every heart she comes in contact with.

Ours is mush.

We have enjoyed her so immensely there really aren't words to write on a blog to describe it.
We had a visitation with the potential father yesterday.

I have peace.
That surpasses not only understanding, but Melissa.  It's surreal and crazy and
NOT.OF.THIS.WORLD.

but oh He does promise to be there with you, when you are walking with Him.
and I feel closer to Him than ever.
and this whole story gives me a chance to DAILY to testify of Him
and His
goodness
mercy
promise
plans
peace
love
joy
kindness
patience

all those fruits.... ; )

Isabel is still the best baby ever and not just a foster mom brag there.
Daycare workers are amazed by her
family and friends as well...
Here are a few of the things we've been up to lately...and I realized while uploading these...

WE HAVE CHUNKED THIS BABY UP!!!

she is starting to notice her hands, hold up her head really good, blow spit bubbles, reach for objects and knows our voices <3

God has blessed us sooo much more than we deserve.  If He never did another thing for me again, between my husband the two girls of ours and now this time with this precious one, if we never received another blessing, it was so much more than I could ever have dreamt of.

Payton is becoming so much more comfortable holding her, she has even changed some diapers now too.

We are praying each day for God's will in her life and ours.

The story is already written, He already knows His plans, and they are for good, prosperous and we trust Him

more now than ever I think...

because of this peace.

He is with me now more than ever before in my life.

And He is with her because every single time I talk to her about God and Jesus, she lights up like the Northern lights....it's humbling and amazing.

Baby Isabel

Isabel- pronounced "iz-a-bel".  Hebrew meaning: "God's Promise"


Last Wednesday our world changed forever...
I don't know how long we will have the precious little life God has blessed our home with, but I know our hearts will hold her forever.
Isabel is one of the best babies I've ever seen.
She literally only cries when she is wet, hungry, or wants me ; )  (the rest of my family is not as happy about that last one as I am, but I couldn't be more thrilled)  :D

She came to us around 8:30, she was delivered by a big burly country man (and when I say country that's pretty bad, because I'm not a city girl) (he's a social worker that works nights when children can't be located during the day which was the case),  Wed night in the pouring down rain, Joey went out to the car with an umbrella to help bring her in and about 10 minutes and 2 "delivery" signatures later, there we sat with very little information. 

About a very little cutie.

Suddenly at 8:30 on a Wednesday evening, we had a most beautiful dark haired, olive skinned, deep gray-blue eyed baby with us, with a terrible cold and having no idea how much or when to feed her, or anything about her schedule.

I immediately wanted to bathe her, since it was about bedtime (maybe I had no idea of her schedule) so, I sat her in the sink on a towel and gave her a bath, thank goodness for travel size baby shampoos that was under my bathroom cabinet for this very moment, and yard sale children/baby clothes I had picked up over the summer in various size/gender selections....just in case.  She loved the bath and has every single night since (she likes it alot more with the baby bathtub though ;) as do I, it was a little hard with a wet tiny 9lb baby on a towel in a sink, but she was so happy to get clean.

I got her cleaned up and made her a 4 oz bottle since she had 4 of the small sized bottles come with her and 4 cans of 2 different kinds of formula all almost empty....I just guessed, because she was eating her hand like she was starving, so I guessed she was maybe eating 4 ounces, thus the small 5 oz size bottles.  Some were preemie formula so we assumed she was a preemie and she seemed really small for 3 months.  Kaylin fed her the first bottle as I was racing around trying to get "stuff situated"....toddler bed out, changing table opened and stocked, making a list of things we needed, and doing the laundry and washing the car seat cover that came with her.

She loved her bath and after a bottle she went to sleep and slept until 3:30am.  And even then, after another bottle and clean diaper she was right back to sleep until 7:30 am.
When she first went to sleep Wed night, I left her sleeping on Joey to run out and buy some newborn essentials, (like a bathtub!!! burp clothes, socks, baby wash, wash cloths, towels, a soft blanket etc.... things we needed and didn't have)

You just don't realize until you have an infant all the sudden, how much you don't have.

She also came with prescription medicine that we couldn't give her, because we can't give her anything without a Doctor's specific written consent for us to do so. So, the next day I was on the phone with social workers over 3 hours trying to figure out how much and when she was really used to eating, if and where I could take her to the doctor for her cold and raspiness, and for permission to give her her medicine if she needed it (which she didn't).

A trip to Kmart to for a few clothes, diapers, & formula and a trip to the doctor office all Thursday, left me realizing I needed a diaper bag desperately and to get back in the swing of juggling everything but the kitchen sink for a quick trip in wal-mart or the likes (I had to run in and buy a new shirt before I took her to the doctor, because she is a slobber baby..I mean a SLOBBER baby...but I love it, it's the sweetest slobber ever, but I looked like I lactated from the top of my shoulder over my sleeve down to the top of my chest).

The doctor praised me and said I was doing an amazing job and that she couldn't believe how natural we were together considering I'd just gotten her the night before, and I really needed to hear that, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous going from zero to baby in less than 6 hours.

And I thanked God. She really did seem/has seemed to bond with me, trust me, & feel comfortable with me very quickly, I have heard hard stories of terror and screaming for hours on end.

Back home with "little noses" and a humidifier, Isabel and I spent the rest of the day together.  She sleeps a lot during the day, part of her being so tiny I guess.
That night I had 2 friends (one Ali's mom the foster baby who started this all, and Jackie, the younger friend from church & photography that I wrote about on my other blog about the bond between the 2 of us that was so wonderful and unexpected all at the same time) the two of them came and filled our house and it literally looked like Babies-R-Us exploded.  Jackie's little girl is 3 and she had 5 baby showers while pregnant with her and was overly blessed and she shared that with us.

Within 24 hours of getting Isabel, she had a swing, car seat, bouncy seats, diaper genie, wipe warmer (OH.MY.WORD!!! How awesome, they didn't have those when my girls were babies), more clothes than she will ever be able to wear before she out grows them *and alot of them with tags still on them*, a bucket full of bottles, bottle drying racks, and a playpen/bassinet for our room with a changing table on the end (because boy that crib and room on the exact far opposite side of the house from ours sure does seem so far away with a little baby wayyyyyyy down there, even though Jackie also brought me a video baby monitor system where I can watch her sleep and hear her in another room too (and I feel like there is more I am leaving out).

God blesses me so much.
He is so good to provide for this sweet child.
and us with her...
She has brought such joy to our hearts already.

Friday, we had the in home placement inspection with the social worker and had questions answered and found out more information, got more of an idea about time lines, and got our daycare vouchers.
Friday was spent mostly just loving on Isabel and Joey, Payton and I went and registered her at daycare.  : (

Saturday I had 2 photo shoots already scheduled (BOO!!!!) and Joey's working nights right now and he needed to sleep so my mom came and helped Payton watch her while I went to those.

and the whole time....
I couldn't wait to be home.

Joey and Payton and Kaylin all adore her.
It's truly something of God...
I have been told by several, the way
she seems so naturally fit into our world...

It is the perfect first placement, I couldn't have asked God for anything more perfect.

Sunday we had the nursery at church for the 9am service so I had to go (otherwise I most likely would have stayed home with her)

So the cat is "kind-of" out of the bag...
With an older child, I really don't think anyone would really have asked
but me carrying a baby carrier, when
last Sunday I obviously wasn't pregnant.... ; )
there were so many questions and
there was little to be said
other than
She's our foster daughter.
<3 that we love and that
She's a precious gift from God.

Dropping her at daycare this morning
was hard.
I felt like she got comfortable with me,
and THEN I left her.
It was worse than hard...it was pretty horrible.
Just as I was starting to cry in my car,
Sherry, Ali's mom called me to see how I did dropping her off...
can I just say I love God and the people he places in our lives, I talked to her the rest of the ride into work.
I have since had 2 emails checking on me as well. :)

and now I am just taking it one day at a time,
falling more in love with her each day
and trusting God to do what is His will
and to give me the strength to be ok with whatever that is.

We have visitation with the mom on Tuesday.
Prayers are appreciated, she isn't happy, and didn't want to have anything to do with us
other than she did send word of how much and how often the baby needed to eat the Thursday afternoon after we got her.
I am really hoping that will change with this meeting...
I hope she will see we aren't threatening or judgemental, that we just want to help take care of Isabel and love her the best we can, until she (the mom) can again.
Then we have court on Wednesday, which should give us some idea of how long Isabel may be with us at least for the first stages of this process.

For right now, I am so at peace, so content, I feel like I am exactly where I should be doing what I was made for.  After years at a job I feel less than needed or worthy at (so my kids can go to college free) I can't tell you how wonderful it feels to be doing the job I truly think my heart was created for...caring for HIS.

I should be terrified probably.  But there is a peace that surpasses not only understanding, but human reason even.
I am so blessed He chose THIS PATH for us.
I am so blessed to go home to ALL of my family, which now includes this precious little bean below for now...in just a few short hours

Labor

labor giving birth is mostly intense physical pain

labor waiting on a follow up phone call to find out if you are really being placed with a three month old baby girl to temporarily love and nurture is mental pain....

i am reciting the verses i am praying for His will...
but knowing 2 hours and a phone call (somewhere in that stretch of the two hours)
separates you from going and picking up a 3 month old baby that needs a temporary home....

well, lets just say i am being challenged to have patience right now.
to trust trust trust
that either way....He's got this

He's got me.
and it will be as it is supposed to be.

Got the phone call about an hour ago, with all of the facts they had on her.
discussed it with Joey after I could barely dial his number my hands were shaking so hard
and we are on board
then when I called her back to say yes to the placement as my heart about leap out of my chest...

she told me of the possible change in plans
the mom wants to find someone else, in the family to take the baby...

if she can't
we are it...
if she doesn't before the custody papers are finalized (around 5pm)
she comes with us...

so now
I sit waiting
talking to My Father....
about His will
and my patience ; )

edit:  9/21/11 3:52pm  we found out we are getting her this evening.
God Break my Heart for What Breaks Yours and all of the Glory be to your name for shaping my heart as you have.

Dreams

Dreams....
heart felt
deep down
started with broken heart
silent tears
and a poem
over a precious baby girl
my dream-giving Father
spoke through her eyelashes and fingers...


now with a smile on my face and a happy relieved heart I can say...His dreams, our dreams our prayers are answered

we are officially licensed foster parents!!!!!!

Friday I had a photoshoot scheduled at the beach and no internet service, so when I got home Saturday evening, I logged on and saw the message from the Adoption case worker that I had ran into a couple of weeks before and expressed our interest in possibly pursuing adoption as well as fostering( for years to come still even if we do adopt). She messaged me unofficially to let me know because she knew our story and stress of the pool. : )

But today sitting at my desk the "OFFICIAL OFFICIAL CALL" actually came from our licensing worker...and it's done...

I can breathe....we are official. 

The stress of waiting is gone.

Now I can patiently wait for God to send us our first foster child.
My fear and anticipation of not being approved is gone and I could wait months now if I had to and be ok....
but it took me being "ok" with everything before we got this beautiful news.

Fear was paralyzing my faith.

Last week I started a new book based off the new movie coming out courageous.  It's titled resolutions for women and the first one...is

being content with where you are
not rushing
what's next
not being engulfed in the next _______
and missing the right now today
it's about being resolved to tell God
I am content.
I am content in You.
I am content in what I have from You today.
I am content in knowing You have given me all I need to be happy and appreciate today.
I am not going to lose today, pinning for tomorrow and what "I want".
Each day each moment each breath is a gift...
right now and what He wants...for us
to grow us...to draw us...


And I realized, even in acknowledging His impeccable amazing timing in Joey's being hired at the last minute co-in siding with the end of the fostering classes back in May, and although I vowed not to question His Time ever again after that, I realized while reading that book, how much now I had missed waiting on the future to get here.

and now it's here
we ended up right where He wanted us to
just like He knew we would
and a new chapter is beginning
and we are on "the list"
and I am here in the now, in the today in this moment
and I am content

Content in Him...which is where I need to be...should have been  the whole trip and hope to be forever more.
More content...
Content in Him and His plan....
Surrendering my will
becoming resolved to trust Him unconditionally and un-melissally
His plan.
His will.
His dream.
His heart.
His time.
His love
His good pleasure.
His daughter
His children


His love humbles me.
His faithfulness amazes me.
He has brought us here today at this very time and place to love His children as He has loved us and even now in this moment He is teaching me a valuable lesson to teach the children He will send to us....

even when it's not what you wanted
or expected
or timed like you wanted... : /
He has you
there is a reason you are right where you are
and finding His peace and being content and trusting in HIS PLAN
makes it so much easier
 and peaceful

Its surrendering our plans for His Will.
His perfect will.
Which is perfect
every time.
So embrace where you are right now, today stand firm in your resolve to worship, praise and trust Him right where you are.
Because that is right where He meets you.

Lord....Break my heart for what breaks yours, form and shape and form my tender responsive heart to be more like yours, use me to glorify you and make your power and name be known.  Bless these children with glimpses of you and continue to grow me, stretch me and use me for Your good will and pleasure, in your time....and continue to show me your love, mercy and grace so that I may show it to others through You, as I resolve to be content it any circumstance wit. Amen.

Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
   but the LORD will take me in.
Matthew 25 ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
Psalm 82:³ Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.⁴ Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked

finding your dream...

there was a great sermon Sunday about God's dream and the excitement that fuels that dream and His promise to see you through that dream and eventually into reality

i watched that happen with Joey and his career in law enforcement
and now...for us together foster parenting dreams...

the classes.  the whole fostering journey.  the impact.  the love. the tears. the desire.

OH THE DESIRE of my heart to see these dreams grow into fruition
to see those dreams living in our house
to see those dreams touched by God

my heart was touched so much on so many different levels while taking the 12 weeks of foster parenting prep classes.....my heart has been touched so deeply by all of this from the very first day in that nursery watching that sweet child sleep in my arms.

also the ladies instructing the course inspired me.
i listened to them talk of treachery and heartbreak
of devastation and loss
i watched one of them days after she "lost" her own foster child of 18 months move half a country away...

and i felt something.
i felt a desire in my heart....
yearning to do more.

more.

so....

today at the ripe old age of  mumblemuble i found myself sitting in an undergraduate classroom for the first time since mumblemumble in a 200 level human services course, "individual and family counseling" to start possibly persuing an additional major on my transcript to one day go work with foster children/parents/families the way these women i so deeply sat and admired teaching our class do

the difference they make/made
in little lives.
in big lives.
in my life.

so as we still sit eagerly (and not nearly patiently anymore) awaiting the news of our foster license...
i now have something to keep my mind off of it...

homework ; )

as i walked down the hall to the class, heart pounding, scared to death, feeling very old, i kept saying over and over in my mind and on my lips...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
after the first class sitting back in the safety and "comfortable-well-known" 9 year chair at my desk, a peace washed over me reading the syllabus (so strange using that word again).
a peace and excited anticipation, that reminded me of the sermon Sunday.

now I just pray that if this indeed is God's will for my life, He will see me through it.
if not, the course should definitely come in handy while being a foster parent, so either way it's a win.

and doing something with a purpose...to forward the Kingdom of God.
and it feels really good.

Heavy Heart

our foster-child-to-be has been very heavy laden on my heart this week.

i don't know why.

ever since i was at the beach for the week and away from "their room" i have gone in it every day....sometimes more than once, sometimes for a long while sometimes short...sometimes brought to tears.

i don't know what is happening in his or her life right now.
and no...I'm not miss cleo.

but i do have pretty good gift of "feeling" or intuition....whatever you wanna call it.

i call it a heavy heart.
praying for you strongly and boldly sweet child....
hang on for us...we are hanging on for you.

Stretching, Churning, Tugging....somethings happening and I like it.

I wrote another blog earlier today for a more "general" facebook audience...
this one is much lower traffic...only a few dear friends have been given the address of it...
this is where I write all the way to the deepest darkest corners of me...

and...

somethings happening in me.

bigger than the foster mom thing and although I know I feel overly eager and slightly disappointed WAITING  to hear anything on that front...
I feel like God is tugging at me even more...and I don't think it's just a restlessness that fostering isn't happening fast enough for me...but something is calling to me...

to shed the material
to leave "this world behind"
to stop allowing conformation of society to lead me

and follow Him.
really follow Him.

I don't know where we are going...but I've said all along I trust Him
I will follow Him anywhere...I said that when I put my hands in the arm last December.

Something is churning inside me, restless and disturbed by the comfortable life I'm living.  And the only book I've been reading is the Bible...so it's not coming from an outside source.

Then 3 times in 24 hours messages have come at me...loud and clear speaking to the depths of my being....the inner most corners of myself..where in quiet time with God I hear Him and it's me and Him and His voice is clear...I hear something starting to take form in there...I feel something moving and growing within the depths of my heart...

-a sermon last night about this world vs eternity and the differences therein and what are we doing here that matters there.
-a step in faith today by my contacting a local rest home to start reaching out to others...the elderly lonely...4 ladies that are alone.  Deciding to get off my butt and do something for someone else rather than sitting comfortably on the couch each night. Serving others? Sound familiar? Serving others take up my cross?
-and then after the above two things a friend shared a link to a video of an amazing YOUNG girl who started a mission in Uganda.

I am caring less and less for the things of this world...as I looked in the mirror in the bathroom earlier at my "old clothes" (I had a month or so ago complained about my work clothes that I am sick of because I wear them over and over and over...) and looking in the mirror today, I thought..I have so many clothes in my closet I never need to buy another new piece of clothing and I would still NOT be lacking for clothes.  And I have smaller and larger ones for weight loss/gain hanging in my extra super large ridiculous could be a baby nursery closet to last me through any size I may be in the future.

I am seeing things through different eyes.
I don't want to live a life of comfort
I want to live a life that makes a difference.
I want to give hope to hopeless I want to reach people who haven't heard of the Love and salvation and peace and mercy and GRACE of our Father.  I want to imitate what He has given so freely to me.

"Stuff" is beginning to be just that to me.  Stuff.  A pool is what lingers in the balance of our foster parenting approval... STUFF...stuff that takes enough money a month to sponsor one or two of the children for a YEAR that I saw in the video this afternoon. (here's the link)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfXgCx3f_1c&feature=youtu.be

You can google her and go to her website...
$300 sponsors a child for a year. food, school, clothes basic necessities that I have MORE THAN MY SHARE OF...if it were my child would I sponsor them for a year?  HA!
A YEAR!  Our power bill goes up about $100 a month when we turn our pool on each season.

I feel yuck.
I feel selfish.
I feel like I neglect what I should be doing.
I feel like I get a tug and I ignore it and tuck it back somewhere and go enjoy a week at the beach like I'm about to.
I feel like I may not be able to continue to tuck and run from this.


I hope HE WON'T LET ME...I want to be obedient.

I wish I had the teaching, the vision and faith of that little girl right out of high school, who now at 21 is a MOTHER to 14 orphans!!!
But I didn't.
I am learning.
I am feeling.
I am responding..

baby steps...
but why?
looking for the leap. ; )
I am a leaper...I don't adhere to caution when I want a new house, a new pet, a new car, new land...
Why should I be baby stepping with God.

With HIS KINGDOM?

WITH HIS DIRECTIONS TO CHRISTIANS....

Luke 12:33. "Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves purses which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near, nor moth destroys."
Luke 3:11. And [John the Baptist] would answer and say to them, "Let the man with two tunics share with him who has none, and let him who has food do likewise."
Mt. 5:42. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.
Is. 58:10. "And if you give yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."
Luke 14:12-14. "When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return, and repayment come to you. But when you give a reception, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, since they do not have the means to repay you; for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."
Luke 12:44. "Sell your possessions and give alms; make yourselves purses which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near, nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Mt. 19:20. The young man said to Him, "All these commands I have kept; what am I still lacking?" Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven
Prov. 22:9 He who is generous will be blessed, for he gives some of his food to the poor.
Jer. 22:16 "Did not your father eat and drink, and do justice and righteousness? Then it was well with him. He pled the cause of the afflicted and needy; then it was well. Is that not what it means to know Me?" declares the LORD.
Deut. 15:10. You shall give generously to [your poor brother], and your heart shall not be grieved when you give to him, because for this thing the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in all your undertakings.
Prov. 19:17. ¹⁷ Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the LORD,  and he will reward them for what they have done


I think the message is pretty clear here.  I think Love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself is coming to light for me.

It's great having cookouts with friends and hanging out and laughing and playing and having fun together...but what does that do for the shut in?  Who am I feeding always?  Those who can  feed themselves...what about those who can't?  Who am I if I only love the ones who love me? If I only comfort friends who have other family& friends to comfort them as well?

What am I doing to glorify God and all He has done for me by sitting and enjoying all I have selfishly?

This isn't about doing works for Him....it's about wanting to move because of Him and all He has given me...it's about sharing His love and goodness.

It's about being so full of Him it has to run out...
I want to be that full.
I look to You Lord to do Your will with my life. I read Your Word...I see your call.
Isaiah 58: 7-12 has been hanging on my desk for months and months...I've been reading it everyday... You amaze me Lord!
You know the plans...Here I am...send me.  Continue to open the eyes of my heart to see, what breaks yours!!!

waiting....still.....just waiting.

the past few weeks seem to have gone incredibly slow when I think about waiting for our approval from the state...every day that passes i think about there being a child in a situation that is deteriorating into what will eventually lead DSS to remove them from their home...and bring them to ours. 

everyday i think about the stories i have heard since January and i wonder what the story of our foster child will be....how long they have lived somewhere abused or neglected before they came to us.

how if i could go them right now, this very moment today, i would.

but alas, i know it's God's time...not mine. (learn that in this whole masterful from God story) ; )

but my heart wants to help these children escape from these circumstances sooner.  i don't want to be patient.  it's not because i have problems with patience (although sometimes i do) it's that i know there are children being abused or neglected and the sooner our phone rings, the sooner that child is somewhere safer, more comfortable, possibly more loved than they are now...the less their suffering.

but love is patient. and i want to be like His love. and i love Him and them.  and i trust Him and His time.  and i know He sees it all...mapped out like a detailed blue print, the structures that go behind the walls of a strong home that no one else ever sees with all the smooth sheet rock and pretty paint, but he makes the foundation...he makes it strong and sturdy, and I know He has it all in His mighty hands...and this has all been His plan...so for me to be wanting to jerk it from His hands and try to go run and "rescue" someone now, would be silly of me....He is the builder...architect...redeemer restorer... and after all, the (small compared) sufferings i have endured made me stronger in my weakness to be dependent solely on Him for my own healing....and they gave me character and strength.  Just as I know he will take from those children what satan means for evil and He will use it for His good and His glory one day.

TRUST.  I do trust Him!!!
but i also know, He has already given me a mother's heart for this child, these children.
and I am not the kind of mother who wouldn't rescue her child from suffering and pain if I could. 

Trusting Him.  because He has a father's heart for me...and them.  And He started this good work and we trust Him to complete it.  In His way and His time.

so although the waiting seems like months and months, when in reality it's been only about 26 days...I guess the good glass-half-full way to look at it is.....that it normally takes up to a maximum of 50 days to hear from the state, so we are more than half way through the wait!!! 

Other happier less obsessive news. : )
Joey and I got to baby sit the sweet foster baby that started it all last Friday.  I also had a 6th month old shoot with her a few weeks back.  Here are a few of the pics. 

The outcome of her situation is sounding very promising that she will get to stay a forever part of our lives ( because her case is leaning heavily towards adoption by the foster parents).  God just amazes the socks off of me every single day. 

Us babysitting the foster baby that started this all. WOW GOD!!!! You are good.

Joey and I cooed in awe over her for hours and the fact that we serve a Lord that is big enough he has made our families become close friends to the point they trusted us to babysit such a precious little gift from the Lord, for a night....I just have to say WOW! and ONLY GOD!  Praise Him!!!  That coupled with the two of us gooing and ooing all over her and giving each other tender looks of love over her between us on the couch, suddenly from my mouth sprang forth the words:

"I wish we could have another one.  If we could, I think I would"

to which Joey agreed wholeheartedly.   :-O     I told him I felt like we just rushed the time with our girls waiting for the next milestone, the first step, first day of kindergarten and now tomorrow Payton turns 13.  Not that we could have stopped time, but I really think we could have slowed it down a little (on our parts)  and being of much more financial security now, and settled into a home and loving God and being a Christian now, and with Him as the Lord of our lives, I just think it would be really different with another baby.

I was more shocked that he agreed with me and said he too would like to have another baby if we could, (I had a hysterectomy in 2004) than by the fact that I said it ; )

When in another conversation this morning, mentioning this to one of my friends, she reminded me that God will give us the desires of our heart....so if this is something HE is writing on our hearts, I know that we could very well have a non-biological child that we would love just as much as we would a biological one...I know we would.  You should have see us with Ali Friday!!! And you should see Joey with Kaylin.   :)

Payton has been at the beach all week long with her grandparents and I am desperate to have her back home with me.  She and I have really gotten super close over the past several months/year.  She is my sidekick on photo shoots, plus her daddy has been working so many hours it leaves a couple of hours of girl time with her per night plus Saturday mornings all to us 2 girls.  I eagerly anticipate her arrival tomorrow--just like I did 13 years ago to the day.  Tomorrow is her Birthday and Joseph and I both really wish we wouldn't have rushed so many milestones.....we blinked and she is 13.

Joey and I both make sad pouty lips when the insurance commercial comes on and the daughter is about 5 sitting in the driver seat of  a car and asking her daddy for the keys, (then when the camera pans back to her, she is 16)

because we know all to well...how soon that day is approaching us with Payton.
I will be back to update when I hear something!!! (or sooner if anything exciting or foster-parenting related happens)  :)

Heart breaking....yes

Today I was in the building at DSS where visitations take place with families of foster children.

I was with a friend seeking help from another department in the building.

Some reason (GOD) we were placed in the waiting room area that is attached to the child/parent visitation play center at DSS (I am assuming).  We sat there a few minutes and a lady who was in the play room with a child, just gets up and walks out....with a blonde headed little girl just sitting there.

Well, my friend is filling out paperwork and this little precious girl comes walking up to me with a book....
so I lean over and open the book and start reading to her.  Each time I pause at the end of a page, she turns the page for me to go on.  The book "Five little monkey's jumping on the bed". 

The mom.  No where in sight.

I read the book two times and in the middle of the 4th time the mom came back in and kind of called down her child for bothering me, and I said no I enjoyed it. 

The little girl walked over to her mom and raised up the book and the mom got another call and walked back out the door.  The little one came back to me and I began to read it to her again, this time fighting back tears.

When the mom came back in I asked her how old she was and she said 3, but she had a 15 month old at home to which she proudly displayed a pic on her phone to me, the little girl saw it and seemed to get a little upset and was saying something I couldn't understand, she barely talked and what she did was almost impossible to decipher.

As her mom held up the phone talking of her baby brother, the little blonde girl grabbed the phone from her mom and brought it to me trying to tell me something about her brother and she seemed sad. Her mom was gushing on and on about him.  What if she was trying to tell me she misses him?

I broke.
Inside of my heart literally broke and I think God gave me just another tiny little glimpse today of what we are walking into.

The mom stood by the door the rest of the time like she was waiting on the social worker to come back so she could leave. While I read the book one last time before we were called back.

And here I sit picturing those blonde curls, blue eyes, grunting mumbling speech and a longing for someone to read to her.

Broken.
Saddened
Disbelief
and wanting to take that child home with me forever.

Just opening my eyes once again to how much God is doing this, not me and in order for me to continue...
I am going to need Him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of the year for how ever many years we foster.

It is not me, it is all Him and it is going to have to be Him to get me through this.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

The waiting game, friends, night shifts and just how BIG God is.

I know...I say it often, God is big. 
But I don't say it with a simple or repetitive blah "God is big" attitude or use it as just something to say. 
I say it with awe and wonder and in true humility of how BIG He really is.
Awe of how every small detail is covered by Him.

So what's God been up to lately?  He's brought some new friends into my world.  New, breath-of-fresh-air, excited about the Lord friends who have quickly become like more than sisters to me than just sisters-in-Christ to me.  Friends that you would never believe how much we have in common...from our past to our present.  Friends with kids the same age and with similar marital situations/correlations, common regrets/common concerns common yahoo's happening and both looking to our Lord in thanksgiving for this new friendship circle to form a safe haven and small group sisterhood with each other.

There are few people I have shared this website with.  Only when I feel that God is laying it on my heart to share it, do I.  Some of my closest friends and family have no idea it exists and then some people I have had only one encounter with ~ I somehow share the testimony and the story of this foster parenting journey with and with that, this site.  It's hard to explain, but it's like there is a green light in my heart from God when that happens. 


Well, God has sent me two new friends that I immediately felt led to share this story and site with.
It was a start to opening my heart to them in a very raw, deeply emotional way. 

With one of the deepest most emotional walks I have ever taken with Jesus. 

and He has blessed that.
We have bonded so quickly and deeply sharing things with each other that in no other way than through the goodness of God can it be explained.

Then we started this walking thing.  They both expressed interest in getting deeper with God, so I suggested we start walking at least 3 times a week together to get our bodies and hearts (physical and spiritual) in shape at the same time.  So now we walk and talk about Him, life, struggles, celebrations and it is good.  I call it our "walking with the Lord group".  ; )

And now...I see, just why God is doing this.  Because He loves me.  Because He knows I have lost other friends because of this walk and now He is replacing them with new friends....because of this walk. ; )

Also, no small coincidence...Joey is about to start His shift work at the Sheriff Depart.  The end of July he will start working 2 weeks days 2 weeks nights....I will have new sisters strong in Christ standing by me, who both live within 2 miles from me (God's awesome huh?) That want to come over and hang out and work out with me AND MOST IMPORTANTLY who want to worship, praise and walk with the Lord.

God's placed Christian friends close by for when Joey's gone. ; ) for love, encouragement, support
and at a time when we will most likely be placed with a foster child soon. 

His ways are not our ways.  They are so much better.  I couldn't have seen this or known it may be something I even needed.

but He did.

He takes care of every little detail once we choose to seek Him and His will for our lives.
Love that man....and His ways.
And my new girlfriends.

Update: (well not really but...paperwork is off to the state...just a waiting game now, but OH the yard sale racking up I have been doing for boys/girls/older/younger) it was such a blessing sitting in the floor with Kaylin folding clean clothes to go into a closet to wait. She was excited with me about my finds and how real it makes it to be folding clothes of a child that will come with little if any of their own.

I go into that empty bedroom often and just fall to the floor and pray.  I used to pray in the car for them, but now that the room is there filled with little beds, I love being in there. Just praying.  Prayers covering a child I don't even know yet.  Prayers from a foster-mom's heart that already loves this child, wherever they are and whatever they are living in.

And He is big.  He is so big....He hears them.  Whispered prayers for an unknown child ~ to a big God...He knows their name.

Final re-inspection and clinging to Him

after an emergency delay on our licensing workers part...we finally completed the final final inspection Wednesday night.

she was impressed with the quickness and quality of the fixes we added to the pool area to which I said, yeah I am a project get-it-done now kinda girl, and she said yes she remembered reading that more than once...to which Joey said, "She is a project DRIVER".  Well, if I were skilled with screw guns, lifting heavy things and cementing rocks on the foundation of a house....I would be a project get it done now girl.  Unfortunately, (or fortunately) I know where my limits and gifts are, and they aren't mechanical or manly or anything to do with construction.  But I am a world class bug the snot out of someone until the pool fence is done girl especially when it comes to getting this foster parenting license ball rolling and a child in a safe loving home. ;)

she approved the pool safety, and is submitting our packet to the state this week.

as she was leaving our house I walked her to the car and she said we should be expecting a phone call very soon.

then she emphasized VERY SOON again.

she said they have been known to place foster children in homes when the paperwork has been sent off to the state in emergency situations, and having taken in 8 children in the last 2 weeks...don't be surprised if we get a phone call soon.
she said, "actually...we are getting a 12 year old girl tomorrow"....but I know you wanted younger than Payton....

sooooooooooo  HELLO.....

I had in my mind all along....fall.  
we would be licenced and maybe get a call in the fall.
walking back in the house my head started swirling around the statements she had just made...and I
thought...

wow.
are we really ready?  I mean really.  I know we took the classes, we passed the inspection, I have a bedroom with three beds and a couch in it waiting with all clean sheets and comforters and a closet (that needs to be cleaned out I remember now that I'm typing this).....

but the real thing the big thing....

is my heart ready?

is my heart really ready?

ready to share so much more than a clean home and structured environment....

is my heart ready to hear the heartbreaking story on the other end of a phone call and to say "YES!".

to make the drive across town to go meet our new temporary member of our family.

to wake up in the middle of the night again to soothe night fears or change wet beds or feed an infant again am I ready to be emptied of some of the me time and the me life and pour it into someone else?  am I really ready to rid myself of some of the selfish spoiled ways I have become accustomed to?  

Ways I like to think I have been getting rid of over the last several years, but honestly~~~ we have been sitting in our comfortable-easy loving home. Learning and loving each other with a more Christ like growing love...but am I really ready to give that "EASY CHRISTIAN" (or not Christian?) life we have been living up for a challenge a struggle a less comfortable way of life?

This phone call we now wait on will let me know the answers to that.

Today is Friday and ever since Wednesday, when my phone rings I think....AM I READY?


In our Wed sermon I have been chewing on a statement a visiting preacher made.  He said if you aren't growing, stretching, changing....you are coasting.   And you coast DOWN HILL. It really struck me. 

We've been coasting for years.
Is my heart ready to pedal uphill?

The answer is my heart is...it has been...over the last six months it has been broken and re-set by the master physician.

but my head still swirls with the what's, how's, when's and what's....

but I know just as Jackie ever so eloquently and southern NC as you can put something said,
"Melissa, He didn't carry you this far to drop you now"....she's right.  He didn't and He wouldn't...and as much as I am making this sound like it's about me and my readiness and my growth....it's not

It's all about HIM
ALL ABOUT HIM!!!!

it's ok for me to have emotions and questions and butterflies and even a few doubts...
as long as I don't live in them.  BECAUSE HE LIVES IN ME!!!!!
and He who is in me....is the one who has orchestrated this all...

He has blessed me by choosing me to have the opportunity to love with His love.
To have love and compassion for parents who may not deserve it...
but what did I deserve?  and what did He give me....

I stand here at the end/beginning full well knowing, none of this will be done by me.
It is all by Him and by His grace we are here....and I give it all to Him.

So here we are at the end of one part about to enter into the next step...and I sit clinging to Him.
Trusting Him.
Believing in Him.
Praising Him
and Praying for this child...as I have been all these months....praying for this child God is sending us to love and show them Him through us, for a time.

Inspection #2 ~ references being called ~ getting close

So of course the fence, gate and lock have all been installed and photos emailed.
Today I got a call from our licensing worker with more questions about our dog.  Seems in May the paperwork got much more detailed regarding pets around foster children.  So I was able to answer all of those via phone, then she said the state would need more details regarding the degenerative disk and UCTD on my paperwork from my physical, like symptoms and treatments etc.  So she is going to email the extra questions to answer for that and I will email responses back to her.

She said she failed to get us to sign one of the papers, so she would bring it out tomorrow, reinspect the pool area and then she would be ready to present our packet to her co-workers for approval to forward to the state. She said that baring any problems licensing happens within 50 days of submission.  She said it never takes that long, but that is the amt of time the state has to approve or deny a packet.  Looks like we are moving forward.

Also, I got a very excited phone call tonight from one of our dear friends, who is also a reference.  She said that she received the phone call about "us" from DSS.  She said the licensing worker sounded really excited about working with us and that she thought we were going to make great foster parents.  She of course asked questions of both she and her husband about us.... and that is the last step on the check sheet for preparation for state licensing. 

So yeah.  I'm pretty excited tonight.
Hopefully, the modifications will be approved around the pool area, and then we just wait...
continue to pray and wait upon the Lord.

Home inspection catastrope averted....for now

Thanking God for answered prayers.
Thanking God for dreams.
Thanking God for His will...His kingdom, His promises and for the
people He has put in my life to remind me of them when I am weak.

Thanking God from being such a new creation...just like His word promises.
Thanking God for the next steps....

our FIRE inspection and home inspection ended up being the same day~Wednesday the 25th of May.
the fire inspector called Wed morning and wanted to know what was convenient for us, so I told him that afternoon I was already going to be off work, so that would be great for me...so we sat it up.

he came before our licensing worker and did his inspection asked some questions about ages and sex to which I got to GLORIFY GOD and tell him this was all about from and for God so we weren't choosing, other than older kids who could possibly harm Payton.  And he just looked at me with a tilt of the head and a corner of a smile and said, "wow", can't say I've ever heard anyone say anything like that before.

then I asked him some fire code questions about fencing in just the small step down part of our deck right off the back door if we had to after telling him the pool pond story and he said that this was the absolute nicest and cleanest house he had ever inspected for foster licensing and if they didn't let us be foster parents because of a pool and a pond they were insane.  Which made me have a little more confidence about our inspection, because he sees all the same houses the licensing worker (who was running late) sees.

I had two friends text me right at 4pm telling me they were praying favor and God's will over the inspections, which once again reminded me just how lucky I really am...even if I never have another thing.

When she arrived she first did Payton's interview, which Payton was pretty minimal in her answers, just like I thought she would be ; )  and then we started the application questions.

She asked questions about how many children we wanted to be licensed to care for and Joey and I kind of looked at each other, because we had discussed being interested in keeping sibling groups together, but never a number of how many.  So I asked her they had to have their own room, (meaning they can't share with Payton) so I asked her how many could stay in one room together if siblings.  The answer was three.  So we are being licensed for 3 kids age 0-18.  Because she said that's just easier, because sometime when couples own children move out they will accept teenagers.  So we agreed and that's what our license will be for.

Then she started asking about disabilities, health issues, learning disabilities, hyperactivity, ADD, bed wetting, sexually abused, acting out and other issues we would or would not be able to handle as foster parents....and my husband...

OH MY HUSBAND I AM SO MUCH MORE IN LOVE WITH THAN EVER!!!

He never flinched.  Never wavered...never once....
I said that unfortunately with having to work, I didn't think there was anyway I could care for a wheelchair bound child (which there is one in foster care).  That if I could be a stay home mom I would be much more likely to feel capable of that, but I just didn't see it a possibility with both of us working full time right now.

And with that, we discussed school districts and how I had to work.  In order for us to have a home for foster kids ; )
therefore getting Payton to school and another child to school on time and me to be at work by 8am was the only concerns I had. Joey will be able to help some, but that's not a guaranteed with his rotating shifts that will be starting soon...so primarily we have to work around me getting kids to school and me to work.

I told her I knew the elementary school Pate and K went to had a before school daycare and that would make me able to get both kids and me everywhere on time, but I don't know if every school has one.   She said their vouchers wouldn't cover a school daycare, and I told her if she could find an after school program for them til I could get off work, I would be more than  willing to pay for the before school care.

The home inspection itself went great she said we had a BEAUTIFUL home and she was looking forward to working with us.

THE POND:  The pond is not an issue since it's pretty far away from the house.
THE POOL: I remembered the alarm system we have, has door chimes set to go off anytime you open and close a door, so I turned it on before she got here.  It's a voice command telling you which door is opened.  It's a little annoying, but we had one in our old house and had it activated when Payton was little so we would know if she opened a door, and we got used to it so I am sure we will again.

We have to fence in the pool wall beside the jacuzzi (which we had already discussed needing to to keep the dog out...and that just makes us do it, we had talked about doing a patio and fire pit there for YEARS...so....now it's a project we can't ignore or put off and we need a more secure gate put up at the top of the steps from the other side of the house (which we'd also discussed needing to do already). 

She agreed to try turning the paperwork into the state with us using the chimes and adding a high lock on the back door out of the reach of younger children.

If  they deny it....

We have to fence in the top smaller deck area closest to the door to the house.  Which we are prepared to do.

So....this weekend guess what we're doing?
Working out back again...wonder if I can get the kids and friends over to help again??? ; )



HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!!
God Bless those who have, do and will serve our country.

Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5
Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Last night, I was a little hurt, a little devastated, a little scared, a lot angry...and I was reminded by a dear friend this morning that's ok.  Christian's are allowed to have emotions and feeling and STRONG ones at that...they just aren't allowed to live in them...to wallow in them...to let them control us.

God is in control.  Just like He has been.  And where I have seen every ounce of Him in this entire journey, He still is.  Right here in this mini storm with me.

I still love God above all else, He still hasn't let me down not once.
...and I know and trust that He won't today. 
No matter what the outcome may be.

And my eyes are open through emails and texts and encouragement from 2 special dear GOD GIVEN friends that are pointing me straight to Him, just how blessed I really am.
Just how important being surrounded by spirit filled sisters really is.
They easily could have jumped on the "HOW STUPID" bandwagon about possibly passing out the criteria before the classes...but they haven't.

They have prayed, lifted, quoted and encouraged me beyond belief.
They have shown me God....because He lives in them...(and me) just like He promises.
They have lifted my weary arms like friends did Moses when the battle began to turn.
They have cleaved and clawed into God's word and sent me promises to stand on.
and they have made me laugh with smelly armpit comments. (in a thank you response I sent Jackie, she said she would only hold up my arms if I took a shower after yesterday sweating in a 200 degree attic with me).
God has blessed me so much.
God has opened my eyes and my heart to so many things...
How could I possibly be upset about any of this.
Even for a night?
But I was.
and He knew and heard...
and He loves me anyway.

But the night has passed and today is a new day. 
And I will rejoice in the Lord.  Because He is GOOD and His mercy endures forever.
And He will NEVER leave or forsake me.

Now is the time.

Now is the time that I have to walk the walk instead of talk the talk.
I can be so full of positive encouraging advice, telling those I love when in stress and doubt and struggle and anger and claiming promises telling others how to, when to...but when my world gets shaky I need to walk the walk.

I need to trust MY LORD...no matter what the circumstance.
And I do.
And I will.
Because He is good.  Has been, will be and no matter what He may see down the road that I don't.  I trust Him.
No matter where this lands, I am in His hands, safe secure and PEACEFUL right where I belong.

REJOICING
And there I will stay.

I am looking forward to the inspection at 4 and the fire inspector called just this morning and he is coming out today as well...so we will REALLY be done with everything at once.
One way or another.
and I will be carried...all my life.  And trust.  And be thankful for everything I do have.  And accept "HIS WILL BE DONE, on earth as it is in Heaven".

I choose God. Period.

Today I got an email from our licensing worker.  With our state license attached for us to look over before our home inspection tomorrow.

Yes tomorrow.

Under the Home safety letter E. states:
that there is a safe environment free from bodies of water including:  Pools, rivers, creeks, ponds and oceans.

OK...ummmm

We got this paperwork today at 4pm.   Our home inspection is tomorrow at 4pm.  We just went through 11 weeks plus one cpr class so 12 weeks of classes and

no one.  not once.  ever.

mentioned the fact that our pool and pond may be a problem.

Riding home from work today I cried like a baby with my heart wide open and flowing out to God trying to be honest but not mad "at Him"....but telling Him I knew this was all Him..the entire thing, orchestrated from the very beginning so why....why why on earth could this be happening.  I tried (well I did say it)  I tried to mean it when I said...

If you close the door....
I will be ok with it and accept it.
I will not be angry. (like I was)
I will not question.
I will trust.

I tried to mean it.
And as the hot angry tears flowed rapidly down my face and I angrily wiped them away...
I knew I didn't mean it...even though I wanted to.

I wanted to be Job and accept that no matter what happened, no matter what got taken away...I would praise Him...I would not be moved....I would stand on this new found deeper faith I had found when Joey got hired at the last hour....but that was for the foster parenting dream I thought.

The closer I got to home the more the tears wept down my face.

Disappointment was winning.
Not worrying about tomorrow wasn't happening.

She is still coming for the inspection.  She acted as if I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, as if I'd done something wrong by having a pool on purpose and hiding it.  I didn't know you couldn't!!!  I thought, maybe foolishly, that that would be seen as an awesome bonus for foster children.

One of my friends and references that has been along with me through most of this journey and was one of the first people I told (in church after a wed night service and at the time I couldn't even believe I told her or understand why I told her..now that's clear so she would be here with me tonight) emailed me today asking what time the interview is tomorrow so she could pray for me....and I told her and told her I hoped I was ready I had LOTS to still do.  She immediately volunteered to come help (since Joey was working his 2nd job until 7:30 tonight and wasn't here to help me).

As soon as she walked in I told her to read E.
I don't even know what I said to her...other than I don't think I can be like Job if this happens.  How do women who lose babies survive...I don't even have this child nor have I carried it, that I have prayed for for MONTHS and I am devastated that a pond and a pool may end this.

MY SPOILED MATERIALISM (in ground pool) KILLING THE DREAM THAT MADE ME REALIZE HOW MATERIALISTIC AND SPOILED WE ARE....how poetically crappy. : (

Somehow we made our way to the room she has only seen text pictures of and we sat in the floor talking about how I would get rid of everything...I don't think I could stand to keep it...

but as for now...and I tried to toughed my upper lip. 

the dss lady is still coming tomorrow to "see" what may or may not be done.  (I mean we can't fence in a pond)

and so for tonight...I needed major help with my closet (talk about materialism guilt...no 2 people should have that many clothes EVER.), the attic which was a nightmare of piles of stuff that had accumulated even overflowing any kind of a path to walk on, and the pool needed one more vacuum and there was lots of trash about needing to be bagged and water weights used to hold down the tarp to be folded and put away.  So she and I decided to move forward and do what she had come to help me do.

With lots of laughs we did it all.  Payton was a wonderful babysitter for her 3 year old daughter and I enjoyed the evening with her even though my heart was heavy the entire time.

VERY HEAVY.  Like kicked in the chest by a clydesdale heavy.

When we were watching her beautiful 3 year old eat the last of her chips and ranch before they left...I was talking and told Jackie what I was praying in the car, how I told God that I knew all of this was from Him because I had NEVER SEEN HIM OR FELT HIM in anything like I had this.  I had never drawn so near to Him and I have grown so much on my walk with Him that I couldn't see it just ending like this.  And she said...maybe that's all that is to come of it.  Maybe that's what it was all for.

And I teared up and said...I am scared it's going to be like Job...Satan is going to say, rip it out from under her and see if she will praise you then...and the tears started to fall...and she jumped up from her seat beside her daughter and she grabbed me into her arms and she hugged me.

I am a very big cry baby when somebody holds me while emotional.
So I weakly said, "You've got to let me go, or I'm really going to lose it".
"really...you've got to stop hugging me or...." and I busted out crying...
she said.."NO WE'VE GOT TO PRAY" and she prayed over me and I cried into her shoulder.

and now.

hours later.

My house is ready.
My attics ready.
My cabinets have safety locks.
My closets clean.
My room with 3 size beds is ready.


and My heart is ready.

I am a child of light.  And no matter what happens, no matter how this ends....I choose God.  Period.
Even if dreams are dashed.
Even if doors are closed.
Even if hearts are broken for a different reason.
Even if Satan sits saying take it all and see if she still praises you as he did to Job...

I choose God period.
Tonight I am so thankful for the PEOPLE and things I do have in my life, that if I never get another blessing I have had so much more than I have deserved. 

I have a God who knows my heart and whispers to my heart through a sincere loving friends heart and prayers. 

I have someone that will walk me through everyday of the rest of my life including tomorrow and the days to come.  I have a relationship and I trust my life with the creator of the universe.  I know Jeremiah 29:11 and I choose to claim and cling to that promise and the cross He bore for me tonight and tomorrow.

"For I know the plans the Lord has for me, they are to prosper me and not to harm me, they are to give me a hope and a future"

CPR/First Aid/Medication dispensing and baby holding.

Last night was the last last really truly last class. ; )  It was added on after our "graduation" due to the instructors schedules.  (Mark & Sherry)---you know the foster parents of the foster baby who started this all.  AmAzInG GOD!!!

I'm sitting here thinking about how big God is.
How BIG HE really is.

~Had we not worked in the nursery "that" Sunday.
~Had Sherry not said, "She's not ours she's our foster baby" in that first conversation...
~Had God not already prepared me and made a prayer form deep in my heart to break it for what breaks His.
~Had Mark & Sherry not been her foster parents, sparking Joey's interest by knowing Mark
~Had Joey not been touched too.

We wouldn't have been joking and laughing in class with the two of them last night, and I wouldn't have been holding this precious baby on the night of our last requirement before we begin this journey for ourselves...as her daddy taught us CPR and her mama showed us the albuteral machine.

SITTING IN THE LAST CLASS HOLDING THE BABY WHO STARTED IT ALL...

WOW GOD!! How amazingly awesome is He?

It was beyond precious seeing her little 6 month old body contort to try and stretch around and see her mama and daddy (the only ones she's ever known) because she KNOWS and heard their voices.
After instructing the class, they also shared the stories of their foster parenting experiences...
the other baby they had from 9 days old and they kept for 18 months....then she went home to her parents. (by the way---she was at the cookout with Mark & Sherry last week, they have stayed in touch with the birth parents and get her to babysit and celebrate birthday's etc still.

But, just for one moment imagine....having a child from birth to one and a half years old and then just sending that piece of your heart walking around outside your body (heard that phrase and boy ain't that the truth! because that's what your kids are) to another home...somewhere you aren't sure how they will be treated or cared for.  And this is one of those times biological vs non-biological really doesn't matter....imagine waking every night with a child, being there for every feeding, kissing every boo boo, the first tooth, first time rolling over, every sickness, every fear, crawling, walking....every milestone of the child's first year and a half and them handing them off to someone else....

WOW.

dedication.  joy.  sacrifice.   unconditional love.  happiness.  energy.   time.   pain.

All I can say is I have a peace.  I have a peace that's not Melissa about all of this.  Because Joey was right...from the very first comment in the nursery that first day...I can't do this.

I can't love a child and pour every ounce of love I can into them and then let them leave.  : (

I can't.

But through God....and His strength and His promises and His unconditional love that has been poured out on me...I am going to because

He can.

If I was counting on myself for the future in this foster parenting walk, I would be completely chaotic and terrified and panicked right now, knowing that literally in one week...we are through.  We are done with all of the inspections all of the approvals and then....

there will be a phone call.
there will be a child.
there will be a major life/home change
there will be hardships and heartbreaks

and I will be happy....because
I will be upheld

there will be Jesus.  Right in the midst of this journey with us...there will be Jesus.
He will be our strength....and hopefully the children we have will learn to trust Him for this as well.


2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Ephesians 3:14-19
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.