I choose God. Period.

Today I got an email from our licensing worker.  With our state license attached for us to look over before our home inspection tomorrow.

Yes tomorrow.

Under the Home safety letter E. states:
that there is a safe environment free from bodies of water including:  Pools, rivers, creeks, ponds and oceans.

OK...ummmm

We got this paperwork today at 4pm.   Our home inspection is tomorrow at 4pm.  We just went through 11 weeks plus one cpr class so 12 weeks of classes and

no one.  not once.  ever.

mentioned the fact that our pool and pond may be a problem.

Riding home from work today I cried like a baby with my heart wide open and flowing out to God trying to be honest but not mad "at Him"....but telling Him I knew this was all Him..the entire thing, orchestrated from the very beginning so why....why why on earth could this be happening.  I tried (well I did say it)  I tried to mean it when I said...

If you close the door....
I will be ok with it and accept it.
I will not be angry. (like I was)
I will not question.
I will trust.

I tried to mean it.
And as the hot angry tears flowed rapidly down my face and I angrily wiped them away...
I knew I didn't mean it...even though I wanted to.

I wanted to be Job and accept that no matter what happened, no matter what got taken away...I would praise Him...I would not be moved....I would stand on this new found deeper faith I had found when Joey got hired at the last hour....but that was for the foster parenting dream I thought.

The closer I got to home the more the tears wept down my face.

Disappointment was winning.
Not worrying about tomorrow wasn't happening.

She is still coming for the inspection.  She acted as if I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, as if I'd done something wrong by having a pool on purpose and hiding it.  I didn't know you couldn't!!!  I thought, maybe foolishly, that that would be seen as an awesome bonus for foster children.

One of my friends and references that has been along with me through most of this journey and was one of the first people I told (in church after a wed night service and at the time I couldn't even believe I told her or understand why I told her..now that's clear so she would be here with me tonight) emailed me today asking what time the interview is tomorrow so she could pray for me....and I told her and told her I hoped I was ready I had LOTS to still do.  She immediately volunteered to come help (since Joey was working his 2nd job until 7:30 tonight and wasn't here to help me).

As soon as she walked in I told her to read E.
I don't even know what I said to her...other than I don't think I can be like Job if this happens.  How do women who lose babies survive...I don't even have this child nor have I carried it, that I have prayed for for MONTHS and I am devastated that a pond and a pool may end this.

MY SPOILED MATERIALISM (in ground pool) KILLING THE DREAM THAT MADE ME REALIZE HOW MATERIALISTIC AND SPOILED WE ARE....how poetically crappy. : (

Somehow we made our way to the room she has only seen text pictures of and we sat in the floor talking about how I would get rid of everything...I don't think I could stand to keep it...

but as for now...and I tried to toughed my upper lip. 

the dss lady is still coming tomorrow to "see" what may or may not be done.  (I mean we can't fence in a pond)

and so for tonight...I needed major help with my closet (talk about materialism guilt...no 2 people should have that many clothes EVER.), the attic which was a nightmare of piles of stuff that had accumulated even overflowing any kind of a path to walk on, and the pool needed one more vacuum and there was lots of trash about needing to be bagged and water weights used to hold down the tarp to be folded and put away.  So she and I decided to move forward and do what she had come to help me do.

With lots of laughs we did it all.  Payton was a wonderful babysitter for her 3 year old daughter and I enjoyed the evening with her even though my heart was heavy the entire time.

VERY HEAVY.  Like kicked in the chest by a clydesdale heavy.

When we were watching her beautiful 3 year old eat the last of her chips and ranch before they left...I was talking and told Jackie what I was praying in the car, how I told God that I knew all of this was from Him because I had NEVER SEEN HIM OR FELT HIM in anything like I had this.  I had never drawn so near to Him and I have grown so much on my walk with Him that I couldn't see it just ending like this.  And she said...maybe that's all that is to come of it.  Maybe that's what it was all for.

And I teared up and said...I am scared it's going to be like Job...Satan is going to say, rip it out from under her and see if she will praise you then...and the tears started to fall...and she jumped up from her seat beside her daughter and she grabbed me into her arms and she hugged me.

I am a very big cry baby when somebody holds me while emotional.
So I weakly said, "You've got to let me go, or I'm really going to lose it".
"really...you've got to stop hugging me or...." and I busted out crying...
she said.."NO WE'VE GOT TO PRAY" and she prayed over me and I cried into her shoulder.

and now.

hours later.

My house is ready.
My attics ready.
My cabinets have safety locks.
My closets clean.
My room with 3 size beds is ready.


and My heart is ready.

I am a child of light.  And no matter what happens, no matter how this ends....I choose God.  Period.
Even if dreams are dashed.
Even if doors are closed.
Even if hearts are broken for a different reason.
Even if Satan sits saying take it all and see if she still praises you as he did to Job...

I choose God period.
Tonight I am so thankful for the PEOPLE and things I do have in my life, that if I never get another blessing I have had so much more than I have deserved. 

I have a God who knows my heart and whispers to my heart through a sincere loving friends heart and prayers. 

I have someone that will walk me through everyday of the rest of my life including tomorrow and the days to come.  I have a relationship and I trust my life with the creator of the universe.  I know Jeremiah 29:11 and I choose to claim and cling to that promise and the cross He bore for me tonight and tomorrow.

"For I know the plans the Lord has for me, they are to prosper me and not to harm me, they are to give me a hope and a future"