At first, the above title was just a new song on KLove that I would sing along with in the car. Then it became a song that spoke deeper to me than the lyrics. It became something that I would say inside my head throughout the day.
It kept ringing back and replaying the way arguments with ones you love sometimes do (until they are resolved that is) ;)
It eventually became something I would say out loud and then it became my prayer. Looking up to the sky with my arms raised on a cold December morning, I said "Break my heart Lord with what breaks Yours". I continued to repeat these words to my Heavenly Father.
I didn't know why. I didn't understand why it continuously came to my mind. I had a feeling it was a bit of a guilty conscious about how spoiled my family and I all are. That started coming into focus for me when we adopted a Christmas Cheer family in 2009. Throughout 2010 we have remained actively involved in their lives.
This past year we took two little boys to see the Atlantic Ocean for their first time ever, even though we (and they) live less than 3 hours from it (I should point out here, we vacation at least one full week per year and sometimes a weekend here and there as well ever since having children 18 years ago) and take it very much as a given, this is just what we do. What we don't take into account is that there are others who never get to experience it, so we should appreciate it a little more. To us it's just--where we go for vacation.
There was something profound and not-of-this-world about seeing those sweet faces light up, their eyes growing wider than should be humanly possible, shreaks and squeals coming out of little boys-that sounded more like little girls. Witnessing their eyes trying to absorb the magnitude of God's awesome rolling, living, gigantic creation for the first time ever as they ran towards it with mouths so large with smiles it looked cartoonish. Although I have always held a special place for the sea, I saw it through new eyes that day as well.
We took them to the zoo for the first time ever, (the zoo to which we purchase a year round family pass every year and have ever since my first child was 2 years old--because my kids and I love looking at the animals and we have been blessed enough to afford it). Yet again, something we just do, and assume, if anyone else wanted to, they could also. You would have thought we took those two kids to Animal Kingdom at Disney World/Land. Amazed, enthralled, and wanting to see every single exhibit and stay for way too long at each one..(like my kids did in the beginning). Now, it's a trip we have made uncountable times, and in all honesty, most of them were taken for granted, of just how blessed we were to do it. Not everyone has an awesome zoo less than an hour from there home, or can afford yearly membership rates.
Watching them take in the aquarium for the first time in their lives...that too was such a treat for them, having never seen such diversity in one place in "real life" before. We go at least once every year on our beach trips sometimes twice if it's raining or if someone gets sunburnt and needs a day off the beach. Something we see as just another normal day there, they saw through a childs eyes for the first time and they saw it as awe striking as it actually is! They stood in front of the biggest tank for what seemed like forever, so excited about each new thing they spotted!
We have taken these boys countless times to McDonald's, Wendy's, and for pizza during outings because that's what we do when out. We never think twice about eating out on the run, because we are out on the run a lot and that's what we do! You should have heard the excitement when we pulled into McDonald's for the 2nd time in one day (that was the only fast food restaurant on the island). The car could have run off the fumes of their excitement... YES they get THAT excited about a happy meal, as me and my kids mumbled..."ughhhh, McDonald's again".
All of these things, that have been totally taken for granted by our family are all unbelievable extravagances and some quite possibly, once in a lifetime things to these kids. You see their mom is sick. So they sit in this tiny very HOT low rental housing apartment complex with their sick mom who rarely gets out besides to attend church on Sunday (by the help of family members) and occasionally they walk to the grocery store, a block away. Without a car or the funds to do much more, they have lived a very sheltered and very hot (temperature-wise) life, but she loves those boys, she just can't provide more for them, she can't go out in the yard and play with them, or jump on a trampoline with them like I have been so lucky to do with my girls. So, yes, in their eyes and in reality, I have done a lot for these boys this past year...but I know I could still do more.
I thought my heart was being broken (although still comfortably) by their situation, I thought I was making a great difference in little lives (although I could still do more). So, I didn't at all understand this prayer that I had began praying or why these words that were resonating in my heart and mind. I had no idea what, "Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours" would come to mean to me.
I am still not sure, but I think this past Sunday I found out.
I think I had a glimpse of what this really is going to mean, and how big that prayer really is. I think I had an encounter with God that is not going to be able to be comfortably doing a little something to forward His Kingdom here on earth anymore. I think he opened my eyes through my heart and through a precious babies eyelashes.
I hope to document the entire journey, as I figure it out. Just typing this out and talking it over in my head and heart by writing it down today and tonight, I wonder if I need to do more where I am already invested, or if I am being called to do that as well as something bigger something much bigger?
And typing that last sentence, I realize, it's not my head and heart I need to hear. It's HIS... "Lord break my heart for what breaks Yours".
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