It was a song, that turned into a thought, that turned into a prayer, that turned into an action,
that has turned into a truth.
God loves children...and my heart is broken over the foster parenting classes, over the reality I was oblivious to.
Some people have already not returned to the program. I can't describe the details of every class, but whomever developed it, and the teaching style of the class, is/are wonderful. Every night so far (3 technically) Joey and I have both walked away filled with conversation and discussions about things we had no idea existed in our own little world, and how by knowing them changes our feelings and actions about such things. There are so many songs on KLove that I listen to daily, that are taking on so much more meaning and DEPTH to me now, they are about real situations and real changes in my heart and changes in my husband's heart and thoughts.
Tonight's class was almost 100% senerio. We were told everyone would have to participate so I was the first volunteer tonight...I was a 28 year old mom with a hard working husband, I stayed at home with our 2 daughters age 6 and 2. Last night's class was about showing us a real situation, what all takes place in behind the scenes and gave everyone a chance to see start to finish exactly how the foster care system works from everyone's point of view, the parents, the children, the social workers, the foster parents it didn't work out with, the foster parents it did work out with and eventually winding up with the long term goal of the child back with her parents.
I knew in the nursery that Sunday my heart was breaking for the baby, the foster mom and the real mom in prison. What I didn't know was how the entire process happens and how much time and effort are put in by the foster parents, for the goal of getting the child back to it's birth parents.
OK I'm getting ahead of myself.
Here's the super condensed version and while I have a funny outgoing personality and I did make some of the scenario funny (they asked what mom would do/say/feel etc) and I opted to leave the hubby in jail...it was safer for him there etc, but it was very effective to myself and others in the room still:
I'm a 28 year old mom, loving husband, hard worker, he's quiet when upset/angry I am verbal. He has been raised to work hard be a provider and always has. Married right out of high school no family, one car, stick to ourselves.
Friday night, husband just got laid off, weeks before unemployment begins. Money was already tight, paycheck to paycheck, but heads above water. He is stressed. I am stressed. 6 year old has been promised a Circus trip for birthday and is told we can't go. 6 year old pitches a t-total unrelenting tantrum of all tantrums. Can't be reasoned with. Dad under extreme pressure slaps child, child steps backwards trips hits head. Requires ER on Friday night. Social worker called by ER doc. All stories line up, no history of abuse family sent home with social worker to follow up. Mom stays upset about it, later that night things get heated between mom and dad, dad goes to bar, has accident, gets DUI, goes to jail. Mom home, no resources, no car, no church family, no friends. MAD AT DAD, leaving him in jail for weekend until court on Monday.
Sunday, dad still in jail, mom home alone with kids, distraught over everything, feeling helpless no where to turn, 6 year old acting out, 2 year old crying a lot, 6 year old pushes too many buttons (mom and dad were disciplined with spanking/physically as children-so it's what they know). Mom in desperation slaps child, breaks nose. Mom runs out of house scared, child follows, falls down steps, trip to ER # 2 Sunday.
DSS called, oldest child 6 year old immediately removed from home on a Sunday night. Younger sibling allowed to stay, no sign of abuse social worker believes it would be more detrimental to younger child to be removed at this point (which we all questioned, but this was the scenario).
At this point in real life, I started to feel like I was going to throw up. (call me a bleeding heart..whatever) I started getting nauseated watching this all happen and how easily a family can go from a happy, functioning family to this...because I can see this happening.
Watching "my child" taken and sat with a foster family...my eyes started welling with tears. The pain, the fear, the confusion, the quilt, the feelings that child must be feeling, I was feeling them all. And watching that child go sit on the "couch" beside Joey (he was foster dad #1)...made me realize....
THAT COULD SOON BE A REAL CHILD SITTING ON OUR COUCH IN THE MIDDLE OF A SUNDAY NIGHT.
scared.confused.afraid.wanting his/her parents back. Not having a clue who we are. Our house being strange, without it's sibling or mom or dad. Isolated. frightened. wondering what just happened. Wanting to go home and sleep in their own room.
Well within one day, the foster parents decided this child was a bad fit for their family (a reason was given) and sent the child to foster home #2. All the while, my heart breaking within my chest and pouring out to this "child" like salty water from my eyes. Loss of parents, sister, not wanted at foster home (even though the reasons of the foster parents was concern for their own daughter).
Did the birth parents make mistakes? Yes. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Do the parents need some support and help? Yes. Did I once need help and support? Yes. Do the parents love their children and want their family together. Yes. Does the child want to go home? Yes. Did a situation spiral out of control quickly? Yes. Should it have happened? No, but it did. And...
Just like that. There could be a little person, with a little broken scared heart sitting on our couch, in our living room.
Tonight's class made this whole thing so much more real to me.
And the "after-this" that came into play next had Joey and I talking last night about the realities of commitment this is going to take.
Some (a lot) of these children need counselling after they are placed with you. This is a weekly commitment on the foster parents part to schedule and get these children to those appointments. Then there are visitations, most birth parents want to see their children the next day under supervised conditions to reassure themselves and their child that everything is going to be ok. Visitations with parents are mandatory (under most circumstances) and it's the foster parents responsibility to get them there, it's healthy for the child to be in contact with their birth parents. There are SEVERAL court dates and social worker appointments as well.
Not to mention, this child could be from a different school district, or not have daycare arrangements in place if they were in the home with the mom like above, and those things take time and effort to procure and handle. Even though you are working with your case worker and they do everything they can to assist you as soon as possible, these things sometimes take a couple of days to get in place, or if the child came to you at midnight thirty, and most likely won't sleep well, they may need to just sleep the next day or just take a day to get themselves prepared to go back to school, and you may have to work out getting that child to that other school district and yourself to work on time.
I had considered the added responsibility of another child with teacher work days, conferences, doctor visits when sick, field trip days, sick days where if they were sick I would take off work and care lovingly for them, just as I would my own children, things I knew about that children would need. but...
There are aspects of this I hadn't considered. I didn't know to consider them.
What I do know, is I know Jesus came to earth and became a servant to help others. I know I want to be more like Him. I want to do what Jesus would do. I want to go deeper.
I asked Joey after extensive conversations about things that we learned tonight on the way home if he had any new reservations about this whole thing after tonight's class. To which he replied no, he's in this.
He is feeling the heartbreaks as well.
I adore my husband and the man he is, the husband he is, the father he is. But this entire thing we are learning about together and experiencing together is making me love him more than ever. He is so stinking HOT following the Lord, following his heart, following this thing that is so much bigger than both of us. I know that may not be "reverently phrased"...but it's true to me. ; ) There is something about a man who is willing to be vulnerable and to be compassionate to others, put children who have needs above comfort and ease that is super uper duper attractive to me.
There is something about him walking with Him that makes me want to love him more, and better and deeper.
Next week there is a guest speaker from Hospice coming to help us learn to deal/support/help with separation and loss children may suffer from this experience.
Thanking God for answered prayers tonight!
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