Class 4.... Oh my!!!!

Last nights class.  WOW.  It was probably the hardest class yet.  I know I can't describe the intensity of it, and I don't know if I can even type it and make it make sense.  And I know I won't type it all, it would take way longgggg.

The focus of last nights class was on (attachment/loss) and (bonding/trusting/attaching) again. Part of last nights class was an exercise in visual imagery.  Which before last night I would have said..."really???? really???" to.  I kind of did in my head when she even started...I was like..."really?  this is suppose to work?"  How many times have I heard, close your eyes pretend you are the beach, imagine you are somewhere warm....as I sit teeth chattering, blue fingered, not.one.bit.warmer!   

How funny I am constantly battling “this is my perception” of the world (what I think will work, about how I think I can change something, if I'm being honest here, about how I think this was going to be a cheesy exercise last night).

And God has other plans. SO thankful for God's plans, not my own.  This is His plan, I remember.

I only thought my heart had been broken in the other classes, the one where my pseudo-daughter was taken from me because I hit her.  I only thought I knew felt the fear and the emotion that child would feel that night sitting on our couch from the role play session sitting beside my Joseph "the foster dad" the night I thought I felt nauseated.

Last night, I thought with my perception of the words.  I thought visual imagery.  HA!

She told us to close our eyes if we would like, which I did, actually I laid my head on the desk on top of my folded arms.  (therefore, since you are reading this you already can’t get the full effect)  She told us to picture our house.  Our favorite room in the house.  Our house filled with our loved ones, our smells, our “things”, our security.  She told us to zone in on our favorite room, doing our favorite thing with our favorite people.
I pictured myself cuddled up behind Payton on her single bed propped up on my left elbow looking over her, with my right arm thrown around her, watching animal planet together talking about what we are seeing laughing at the animals (she lovesss all things animal shows), Joey sitting on the foot bed with his knees bent up and leaning up against her green and purple wall.  All of us laughing talking having fun much like it is when we "tuck her in" at night (minus the animal planet).


Back in the classroom, she tells us to feel the emotions.  Feel the security of knowing where everything is, whatever it is, it is yours and it’s what you are used to. Your home, your family.


Then she BANG BANG BANGS on the table to simulate a knocking at the door, she did it hard and it startled me--my head darted up and I qucikly opened my eyes.


She announced she is the people mover.  She is here to move people.  She has authority to take (me) you and move you to a new home.  Things have been determined by a higher power (the judge) that you must be moved to a new home, who really wants a new mom/dad just like you.  You will be moved to a new family who will love you and who have been waiting for you.  You don’t have a say in the matter.  You will have new children, and a new husband at your new home. You have 30 minutes to pack a plastic bag or a cardboard box with whatever will fit in it.  You may not take people or pets, because your new family may not want them.


Then she asks several people in the room what would you take?

I now see this is not silly.  It is not HA!  It is not “visual imagery? really????” There is nothing cheesy here in this room, in this chair with my mind grasping what she is doing and my heart beat raising.  It's not cheese.

It is my heart.  Ripping into a million more pieces than it ever has before over all of this.

It is a solid real lump in my throat.

It is only a first wave of nausea in this exercise.


It is the reality of every child who may come to live with us.  (even if they aren't sitting curled up in a bed with love filling the room before the knock).          It~ is~terrifying!!!!


Her voice snaps me back, what would you take?  As she called on people around the room she repeats them and says, “pictures, stuffed animals, clothes”  I feel myself tearing up.  SHOOT!!! I ALWAYS TEAR UP I think to myself!!!  Sitting trying to think if I had to fill one box of my life and with what from my house....How could you fill one bag...but at the same time...what would anything you could put in that bag matter at that moment?
She then says, we are now walking out the front door.

Now look back, your family is standing there, not wanting you to leave….watching you go.  How do you feel?

Words escape me.
The lump in my throat grows.  I am grateful she doesn't call on me.  There aren't words.

She then says we get in the car and you take one last look back while pulling out the driveway, your home is fading out the back window of a car.  It is now, away from your then home that she tells you of your new family.  How they have been waiting for you, they are excited to meet you, they are going to love you and take care of you and they want you to be a part of their family.  They want to offer your love and security and safety and probably "material things" you have never had.  We pull into a neighborhood; the houses are much bigger, much nicer than where you have lived.  We pull into a driveway and get out of the car.  As we are walking up to the front door...

How do you feel, how are you reacting?
As she asked others around the room, Inside I was silently screaming still I would have to be restrained---still kicking and screaming that I want my family back!!!!!!

She asks, how do you think you are going to feel towards the new family?

She asks around the room again…
Anger, scared, sad, withdrawn, non-trusting, mad one man said, "PISSED!"

She looks at me and says, "How do you feel walking up to the door Melissa?"
“Nauseated." I say quietly through light tears.

Joey turned and looked at me and asks if I am ok.  He said I looked as if I was really going to throw up.  I assured him, that I felt like I was. For real.
The visual imagery exercise went on….. and on……
* and she does say, this in not how a real removal happens, but this is just an exercise.

I didn’t throw up.  But my heart still hurts from it today and typing this made me cry all over.   My heart is pounding in my chest right now re-living it, and it isn't even reality to me.  This is real life for them.  The ones God has laid it on my heart to care for.  To be that face they see when walking up our steps to our house that first day/night.

Continue to break my heart Lord for what breaks yours.  Let me see the suffering that Jesus sees and let me be His hands.  Compassionate, healing, kind, unconditionally loving, forgiving, patience, protective...just as YOU have been to me.  Show me ways to be more like you.  Let those children see you as they come into our home, let us ALL be a little bit less of ourselves and more of You. Only You can keep my cup full, so that "You" is what pours out of me onto these wounded scared pounding hearts.  Let me show them Love...and God is Love.
m