There were 3 guest speakers, a 22 year old college senior who was in the foster system herself and eventually adopted. And a couple who took the class last fall and just finalized their adoption of their 2 foster children in February.... (YES THAT FAST!!!!) Like October sitting in the class like us and February adopted 2 children.
The first speaker the 22 year old girl had experiences living with 3 foster families and the 3rd one eventually adopted her. She gave us tips on what was helpful, what was hurtful and her overall thoughts on how the experience was and what happened in her story she wished would have been better.
Things I picked up from her:
Her most strong memory of it all was that the foster couple asked her what she wanted for dinner the first night. And then they made that for her. She said that when you are a child and everything is out of your control and you are scared and have no choice to go home, the choice to pick what you want to eat seems so small, but it was so big to her that night. She said allowing foster children choices (even as small as which pj's do you want to wear) makes them feel less like a helpless hostage and more like they have a choice about things, and that you care enough to give them a choice...which totally made 100% sense to me.
Never talk bad about birth parents (which we would never!!!! I have lived through years of tongue biting with Kaylin's dad because I would never ever ever say anything negative to her about him)...did I say it to Joey in private confidence and sometimes my mom? Yes, just to vent and get another perspective, but never ever in front of Kaylin...even when most of my emotions was from his-hurting-her I would never feed negativity to a child about their parent. Never.) That is one of those areas I really feel like if you can't say something nice, you probably shouldn't say anything at all. This speaker had an experience where her foster parents did just that, all the time...and it was very hurtful to her. No matter how much someone hurts you, you don't want someone else to belittle them. And...if you are already hurt by your parents inability to take care of you, it would be like salt in wounds to hear others talk badly about them too.
I can tell even at 22 she is still really struggling with wanting to know her birth parents and family, but not wanting to hurt her adoptive parents. I got the feeling her adoptive parents/mother is not very encouraging, supportive or approachable about the topic either from what she said and it seemed very hurtful to her. In that situation I think I would be. Because I would want to know. If I were a foster child/adopted child...one day...I think I would want to know, so I would be supportive of that. My heart broke for her last night, I could see the tears and the hurt on her face and in her voice when she talked about it.
I found out also, that no child can ever request to see their DSS file as an adult, which I feel a little conflicted about. I would want to be able to have access to my records as an adult if I chose to. I would want to be able to see what happened to me, even if I had forgotten...or if I had blurred memories. But I found out those records are forever sealed and not able to be opened by the child. I didn't feel ok about that for some reason.
I learned because of this, any child you may have while fostering, you should get all the information on that DSS has available on the child...you will most likely have access to parents (in most cases), visitation with them and talk to them to get family medical history etc...so while in the fostering stage...get it...you may have a child one day and you could be their link to that information...once a child is adopted or returned to parents all records are sealed.
We also talked about and saw examples of "Life Story Books" that you make and keep and add to for each child that is in your care. With photos, stories, all the family information you can get on the child's family history...The Life Story Book will go with the child eventually back home or on to the next foster home or adoptive home. The speaker talked about how much she still cherishes hers....it's a way for them to keep up with where they were and have happy memories of different times and developmental milestones and it helps build their self esteem and connects dots together for them when they get older.
CLASS EXAMPLE FOR THE NIGHT....guess who was the volunteer tonight? Me...but tonight it was involuntary...the actual supervisor of the "normal" 2 ladies that are instructing the class was there and she said, "OK! I need a volunteer, MELISSA!!! (I later learned my instructor told her to pick me)...come sit here with me."
To which I responded while walking around the tables to get to her, "Really? Did they tell you I always volunteer? And that I always cry?"
She pulled up two chairs and gave me the scenario, You and I are old friends, we are at the lake with our hubby's and they are out fishing...we are sitting drinking coffee hanging out and talking and I want you to think of the most annoying thing about Joey that there is. The one thing that drives you bananna's about him..I'll give you a minute to think about it.
Me: Oh no. I got it. I don't need a minute.
Her: Well ok, let's have it, tell me about it
Me: Let me preface this by saying, I adore the man God has given me, and this is NOTHING in the big scheme of things, (at which time she is over talking me and saying (oh my word...right? blah blah he's so great tell me what he does to annoy you!!!) but since you asked about the one most negative annoying thing I can say....Joey is a bit of a procrastinator.
Her: Really? Doesn't that just get on your nerves, I hate procrastinators...give me an example. Do you have one?
Me: Oh yes. I have one (and I look at him and smile....a little knowing smile...because he knew...I asked him after the class if he knew what I was going to say before I did and he said. "Yep!" and she tells me he's out fishing quit smiling at him!!!)....(I say)... "but, I do so adore him and compared to all he does right, this is really nothing but ya see, there's this pile of ROCKS sitting in our driveway, it's been there over a year...and they belong on the foundation of our house".
Her: Oh my goodness how lazy! I bet that really is an inconvenience to you.
Me: Well not so much to me, but 2 people we have had over to the house have hit the rock pile with their cars...so...it would be nice to get them on the house
Her: You know, I haven't said anything, but that really bothers me, that he hasn't done that, it's kind of disrespectful to you.
Me: Not really, I mean I would love to have it finished but HE IS SO MUCH BETTER IN OTHER AREAS....I can live with it (and I look over and give him a wink and "that smile" heehee... the class breaks out into giggles)
Her: Well, we may just stop coming to your house if he doesn't do it, and I really didn't want to tell you...but all your other friends have been talking about Joey and his procrastination and they really don't like it and they really don't want to come over either if he don't do anything about the rocks...
Me: Well, then I guess they can just stay away then...'cause like I said, he excels in other areas that mean so much more than rocks ; ) as a husband, and a dad so it's ok.
Then she ended the scenario...and I don't think it was EXACTLY as she hoped it would be...but the point was... It's ok for me to talk about Joey not putting rocks on the house, but I got defensive and protective of him when she did.
JUST LIKE FOSTER KIDS MAY BE HURT.ABUSED.LET DOWN.NOT CONNECTED IN A HEALTHY WAY to their birth parents, but it would hurt them and make them defensive if we talked bad or let others talk bad about their birth parents.
I totally got it. I already have had experience with this. Had one just last Thursday at the dinner table where, had I been the tongue bitting type, the biting of my tongue would have made it bled. BAD. But I didn't say a word to my sweet Kaylin...just like always, I smiled and listened to her talk about her dad and just loved her enough to sit quiet and say, yes...I know. I don't understand either. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Hearing the speaker talk about it though, made a good reminder and impression, because I know these kids are going to be coming from parents with far more disturbing circumstances that the ones I had to deal with Kaylin's dad...
But the child is still going to love them. No matter what.
Even if the parent let them down.
I get that. Totally.
I can talk about having a mom that disappointed me all day long, and that I don't understand how or why??? But if someone else tries to talk bad about her. I am all over it. With rebuttal and justification and defense and excuses.
I would never put a child in that position.
To feel like they had to defend their parent.
They are kids.
Kids who already have not been able to be kids.
_________________________________________________________
The second speakers were a couple that took the class last fall and just got placed with a sibling group at the end of classes. It was suppose to be respite care for a 4 weeks while their other foster mom delivered her own child and got readjusted at home. Then she planned to take them back and finish fostering them until they went home. Then it very quickly turned to an adoption case-once things came to light about the family situation. The foster mom who didn't know it would turn to adoption and was only signed up to be a foster mom, said she didn't feel ok with adopting them with a new baby and other kids of her own, so this couple that just took the class last fall, and had the kids for a few weeks had to make a decision and now have been through a full finalized adoption of a 2.5 year old girl and her 9 year old brother.
WOW.
WOW.
They talked about how fast it happened, some of the problems with the kids, and how quickly both kids have readjusted and "issues" they were having have totally turned around now that they are assured permanency and stability and safety and schedules and love.
These parents talked about their experience and shared a lot of good information with us and they have actually decided to let the paternal grandparents remain a part of the kids lives. And the ins and outs of that. It was good stuff. It was head reeling stuff.
Riding home Joey and I had good conversation about the class and about rocks in the driveway
heehee. So, last night on my own accord I posted on his wall I would never (as long as my will power holds out) bring up the rocks again since I threw him under the bus in front of the whole class. Now...I get another chance at practicing biting that tongue, because he has heard about those rocks a few times before last night... ; )ps...I just got this email this morning: It made my <3 : )
From: A ****
Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 10:10 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: Thank you!
Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 10:10 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: Thank you!
Melissa,
Just wanted to thank you for being so good about participating in class. You have helped make it a better class for everyone.
You and Joey will enjoy working with S* to get your foster home license and I look forward to you both being foster parents for our county. Hope you have a good day. See you next week.
A*
and my response:
Thanks for your sweet words A. I am sure S* is as wonderful as you are. I have just felt a connection with you since you were my first contact in something that was unknown and a little scary in the beginning, but you guys are wonderful instructors and I feel blessed to have been a part of your class. J
I taught high school English once and know how hard it is to stand in front of a group and ask questions or for volunteers and hear crickets chirp!
So, I do feel compelled to help you guys out as much as I can. Thanks for the note.
You have a great day too!
Melissa
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