As she lay sleeping

It was the 9am service on Sunday, January 23, 2011.  Joey, Kaylin and I all showed up in the infant nursery to hold babies for an hour and a half and then go to the 11 service.  It was a Sunday like every other Sunday.  I eagerly anticipate nursery Sunday and holding sweet babies.  There is nothing in this world like holding babies and getting your "baby fix" and then mom or dad comes to pick them up.

I had one baby in arm, when a mom walked in with one of the tiniest ones I had seen in a while. The sweet dark haired dark skinned girl was sleeping in her car seat and her mom was leaving instructions about the bottle being mixed already and if we wanted, we could just leave her sleeping in car seat, since we each had a child in our arms already.  I assured her she wouldn't be there for long.

I squatted down and got a closer look at this bitty baby and told her mom how beautiful she was (as if she didn't know and I may need to alert her of it)!!! She replied with, "Yes she sure is...but she isn't mine, she is a foster baby".  And I said, “Oh my word! She is so tiny". She went on to tell us the story of how her mom was in prison and had to go back immediately after having her, and the dad was recently deported as well, so the baby had no one.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  Pieces of brokenness for the baby, And OH! for the mom I cannot even imagine having a baby and having to leave it immediately, even if she did do something wrong, that is far more punishment than prison could ever be!  Even the dad knowing he’s leaving a baby without mom or dad.  Still I felt my heart breaking for the foster mom whom one day may have to give her back up after investing love sweat and tears into her that only another mother can understand. 

The foster mom went on into the service and within 3 hot seconds of her precious dark brown eyes popping open and the first peep out of her, I put Jayden, (my six month old happy baby on hip) into a jumpy seat and I had her in my arms.

I had her cradled in my arm and she was back asleep in mere moments.  As I looked at her, my heart went through so many different levels of heartbreak.  I looked at Joey with my best puppy dog eyes and said,”Let's just keep her and move to Canada, I know someone we can stay with up there"  ;)  {I am totally kidding; I would never ever ever ever kidnap a baby.  Ever.  Ever.}  But I do adore holding them.  And I realized from a comment on Xanga with Jenny in the short poem I wrote about this experience with her in the nursery on Sunday that I have always had a tender heart for motherless children. 

That's the whole reason I started my Xanga account.  My first entry ever was me writing my emotions and feelings about the little girl Yeshoda, the orphan from Nepal  that stayed with us for a weekend while doing a tour with the Children of the World Choir.  http://mellibella.xanga.com/674146501/life-changing-lesson-in-gratitude/

I looked at Joey and told him to come over and look at her tiny eyelashes.  (He agreed they were the most precious eyelashes ever).  Then, I imagined what her eyes may see in her lifetime.  What other foster children's eyes see in their lifetimes?  And I looked at Joey again...I said..."You know I've seen shows and heard horror stories of how some foster parents do it just to get the checks...and the children are treated badly in foster care sometimes as well, and they are bounced around from home to home, and more likely to end up in real trouble one day."  And then my tone got more serious and sounded like a light bulb was going off in my voice and my heart!  "Joey, what if there aren't enough Christian foster parents out there?  What if one child could come to a good home, instead of a bad home?  What if there is a child somewhere being mistreated that could have us for foster parents???" (I know I am not anywhere near a perfect parent...but I love my kids and they have never been mistreated)

Kaylin from the other rocker holding her baby looks at Joey and says very wittily, "Watch out Joey". (What can I say, she has seen the light bulb go off and me come home with a 90 lb 5mth old puppy even though I thought we were going to pick up "a puppy" and me say I wanted a new house where our double wide was sitting and Joey and I signing papers within two weeks for the loan)

Joey in his most realistic and come back down to earth daddy voice (I hate when he uses that one on me) says, "Melissa we had a little girl from Nepal for a weekend and you called every adoption agency and even contacted Nepal’s adoption regulators....do you really think you could foster parent a child for weeks, months or maybe years and then give them back when their REAL mom got out of jail?  Knowing full well you would most like be a better mom for that child?"  So I said just a matter of factually, "Well when that happens we will really move to Canada!" (I was still totally kidding).  Then I give him my most adorable irresistible smile and say, "Well Joseph, how will I ever know if I could do it or not, if I never tried it...maybe I could only do it once, but maybe that one child is who God wanted us to be there for, to make a difference too? And then maybe I couldn't do it again....But I know the Bible says I can do all things through Him and that means ALL" (I think I got him with that one.  I mean who can argue with God's will...if this really is God's will welling up in my heart?  

She gripped and released my finger and let out a sigh.  As if she were bringing my attention back down to her and to how adorable she was.  As if I needed a reminder, her precious sweet innocent face was burning into my mind.  

I sat and held her for about 40 minutes straight.  My head wheeling and my heartbreaking, thinking about her poor poor mother having to leave her child. Maybe she would be/is a good mother; maybe she just did something stupid for the now deported father.  Heavens knows I have done dumb and illegal things for boys/men more than once in my life.   What if she got tangled up in a terrible mistake and what if her heart was broken and she had been crying the whole 9 weeks straight in prison that she was separated from this beautiful little blessing from God...and this baby, who never had a chance to breast feed because her mother had to go behind bars, somewhere unsuitable for her to go along...my heart was just breaking and all the while...

Wondering if I really could do something like this? 

As the tears from my thoughts in my head manifested into tears streaming down my cheeks, Kaylin again, said, "watch out Joey"....to which I bantered, "Had you not ran away and left me Miss Sassy Pants, I wouldn't have a spare room and be able to even consider this!!!"  And then I ever so maturely stuck my tongue out at her. ;)

Then Joey who had been patience the whole 40 minutes and had only asked me like 25 times if I really wasn't going to share her and let him hold her any asked again.  So I gave in.  I caved.  I traded her to Joey for this cutie pie CHUNK ER boy who needed to have a diaper change...(some trades in life just aren't fair) haha ;)

When I handed her to him, I pointed out again her eyelashes and her dainty hands and tiny fingernails.

When I came back from the other room and changing the diaper about 5 minutes later, he said, "Exactly Where in Canada?"

I normally leave the nursery filling satisfied and filled with baby lovins.  I left the nursery with a lot on my mind and a hole in my heart.

Monday afternoon sitting at my desk around 4:15 when I finally finished my work, I googled "Foster Parenting in NC". I read all the information on the state site.  Nothing freaked me out or scared me, but there was one first and foremost question I needed an answer to, the most important question before I could even truly keep considering this.  So I clicked a link to the local County agency and sent this email: 

____________________________________________________________________

From: Melissa
Sent: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:26 PM

With whom would we speak with if we had questions about possible interest in becoming foster parents?

From: A 
Sent: Monday, January 24, 2011 4:41 PM
To: Melissa
Subject: foster parenting

Melissa,

My name is A* and I am the Foster Home Licensing Social Worker. I will be glad to talk with you about foster parenting. My # is (***-***-****). One of the first steps to become a licensed foster parents is to take the foster/adoptive parent classes. Our next class will start on March 1^st. I can let you know more about that.

We appreciate your interest! Look forward to talking with you.

Thanks.

A*

Mon 1/24/2011 4:53 PM

From: Melissa

I have a very basic question first and foremost that if you could answer it may be the end of the inquiry.  I know there are children of all ages and backgrounds that need placement, and if it were just myself and my husband I would be ok with that and would not have any concerns.  However, we have a 12 year old daughter still living at home with us, and would not want any placement that may in anyway put her in harm’s way (an older abusive child etc).  Is there any kind of selection process we as foster parents would be able to make or if you sign on, you are bound by accepting you may possibly have a 16 year old angry abused boy move into your home? 

I am so sorry if this sounds like our hearts are cold towards those children, it is not, it truly breaks for them.  But if this is the case we may need to revisit when we have a total empty nest.   We had an 18 year old daughter move out this past fall to her own apartment and spoke with another foster parent at church Sunday and felt a tug in our hearts towards inquiring and we have more than enough love and space to offer another child whom may be in need of it, but we can’t possibly justify putting our daughter in a possible bad situation.  I hope this is taken as it is written I know sometimes email can be misconstrued.

Thank you for your time.

Melissa

From: A

Sent: Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:48 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: RE: foster parenting

Good morning,

The age range is always up to the foster parent. We understand that when foster parents have other children most of the parents want to keep the age range under the age of their child. The age range and the sex is always up to the foster parents.  The classes will help you decide what is best for your family.  Again, we appreciate your interest and if you have any other questions let me know.

A

Tue 1/25/2011 9:50 AM

From: Melissa

Thank you.  We will talk about it and pray about it together as a family and I will get back to you.  When is the deadline for enrolling in the March 1^st course?  And is it a day course or night course?  Thank you again.

Melissa

From: A

Sent: Tuesday, January 2, 2011 9:53 AM
To: Melissa
Subject: RE: foster parenting

Melissa,

The classes are in the evening on a Tuesday night from 6:30 to 9:pm. They are from March 1^st to May 3^rd. If you can let me know by the middle of February that would be fine then I can send you the letter about the class.

Have a good day.

A

___________________________________________________________________

So, for now I am waiting.  I am waiting on God to lead me where He wants me to go.  I am waiting for God's perfect timing.  I am waiting to see if God is going to touch Joey's heart as well.  And I am waiting to see if for some reason bigger than I could possibly understand, if I am being led towards the two children I already know and love, that I could do more with and for. 

No matter what He is preparing my heart for, I had a couple of HUGE revelations over the past couple of days, about myself, about my heart, about How being more like Jesus means getting rid of a whole lotta me. I have been wanting more of Jesus and less of me in my life...that obviously requires being more like Jesus-and allowing room for Jesus to move in a larger space in my life and heart than I currently hold Him bound to.  I like to think, He rules every part of my life, I like to think I always put Him above all else, but the truth is, I have started seeing some pretty ugly things since Sunday.

I could afford to squeeze out some of the me that is overly comfortable, overly materialistic, overly indulged, overly SPOILED.  That's one thing about my own girls that "burns me up" (any mom reading this knows what that means) when they act spoiled.  But how spoiled have I been living with our multiple cars 5 to be exact (for 2 adults?) a convertible, an old work truck, my SUV , my dad's old truck that doesn't run, but I can't seem to part with it, and an antique Nova Joey-toy, a huge in ground pool, a jacuzzi, a trampoline, workout equipment that holds unfolded laundry, an attic big enough to house a family of six, a storage building to hold a large freezer because the one in my refrigerator is too small, sitting comfortably in a heated and air conditioned church every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening, hearing the Word of God being spoon fed from a wonderful Preacher (when others meet in tunnels and fear death for owning a bible)....and I wonder why sometimes my kids act spoiled?  Even though we work hard for all we have....Is that my purpose here in life?  To love God, hear heart changing sermons, love Him and have a relationship with him and to collect stuff to play with on the side?  I think not....NO, I know not!

My eyes are being opened to my own self-absorbed life.  Jesus was the opposite of self-absorbed and if I want more of Him and less of me...I need to change a lot.

Lord, continue to break my heart with what breaks Yours!